As Things Stand (Originally Published 19 Feb 2009)

Current mood:confused

I have spent nearly every day with Joe since we “reunited”, so to speak. We have gone to dinner, lunches and a few drives around through the city.  It seems the top floor of the parking garage at Caesars is a nice place to sit and smooch and talk.  We have been there a few times.  

This whole thing is beginning to unhinge me.  I am now getting over the first blush of seeing him again and the feelings of love and lust that all of that entails, those overwhelming feelings that you usually have with someone with whom you were totally in love with.  And whom you are still in love with.  Although when I’m in his presence, I am totally enthralled with him, I can’t take my eyes off of him (or my hands, for that matter).  I love talking with him, I love his smell and I love when I catch him looking at me, with that intensity in his eyes that warms my skin and quickens my heart.  

And makes me blush.  

But when I’m alone, I begin to think about what we talked about.  And what happened over the years, both when we were together and apart. And I am beginning to wonder if this is how he looked when he was cheating on me with his now boyfriend.  

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Fancy that.  I am now the “other woman” to Angel when he was the “other woman” to me all those years ago.  Only in the mad, mad life of Mortimer, hot cats and cool chicks.  You can’t make this insanity up!

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I wrote the above a week ago.  Things haven’t changed much.  We are still going out, Monday past we went to mur.mur nightclub where we danced and drank, it was very nice to dance with him once again.  We made quite a scene.  

Afterwards, back in his car, we talked.  Unfortunately I had had a few too many and the conversation ended with me in tears, something VERY uncommon where I am concerned.  I guess all the overwhelming feelings of being with him again, the pain of losing him all those years ago (which has never left me and probably never will) and my guilt of being an adulterer in all but the true legal sense.  It’s a lot to shoulder.

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Speaking of how I feel, I found a quote by Philip Sidney, a poet at the time of Queen Elizabeth I that I found apt: “Love gave the wound which while I breathe will bleed.”  

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Quite so!

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All things considered, I am not going to change my situation at present. I enjoy his attentions and the love I feel for him.