05 June 2007

Survey Says:

1. Were you smiling when you woke up this morning? No. Come over tonight and give me a reason to smile tomorrow morning!
2. When is the last time you met someone new? I work in the service industry, I meet new people as a job requirement.
3. What is irritating you now? This bloody survey, I had to make up a few questions.
4. When did you last eat pizza? Two weeks ago.
5. Do you drink beer? Only if there's nothing harder.
6. Do you have any famous friends? I have been on several television shows and in many magazines and newspapers. so, yes, I know me!
7. Are you any good at poker? Poke her, I don't even know her?!
8. What do you want more than anything? Make up with Delio.
9. Are you tired? Of these surveys, yes!
10. Last spoken words you heard? "Oh, Hon!", said my flatmate, Jerry Dutton.
11. Have you ever kissed anyone named Billy? Yes.
12. Besides your bed, what is your favorite thing in your room?The harness hanging over the bed.
13. Pepsi or Coke? I gave up soda years ago.
14. Have you ever thrown up in public? Yes.
15. Do you have any dietary restrictions? I am currently on a high protein diet due to my workout obsession.
16. Do you enjoy piercings and tattoos? Former, yes, latter, no.
17. Taco Bell or McDonald's? Mickey D's.
18. Are you restless? And bored.
19. Is your computer desktop or a laptop? Desktop.
20. Star Wars or Star Trek? Both.
21. How many myspace views do you have? Haven't a clue. Don't care.
22. Want to be a princess? I am already a Queen Mother Bitch.
23. Do you believe dreams come true? If you sacrifice a lamb.
24. Last song you heard? "I Will Survive" the new version by Shirley Bassey, it's FIERCE!
25. Do you like Batman? Never met him.
26. Who is in the room with you? Not a soul.
27. What are you wearing on your feet? Nothing at the moment.
28. What is/are your favorite pair of shoes? Anything black and patent leather.
29. Who was the last person you told you loved them? Rita!
30. What was the last thing you ate? Noodles.
31. What were you doing before this? Cleaning, everything. I don't know what got into me.
32. What is the closest item near you that is blue? My balls.
33. In your opinion what is the weirdest thing listed on goofysicons.com? I've never been there.
34. What instant messaging service do you use? AIM.
35. What is your favorite website? MySpace.
36. Whose house were you at last night? Unfortunately, my own.
37. What do you wear more, jeans or sweatpants? Jeans.
38. What is the last movie you watched? "The Queen".
39. What do you currently hear right now? The Atlantic Ocean.
40. When did you last buy a new pair of pants? My personal shopper buys my clothing.
41. When did you last take a shower? Today is Tuesday so, that would be Saturday when I showered last. I'm a boy, we do these things.
42. Where's your favorite place to be? Wrapped in the arms of the man I love.
43. Have you ever heard of the band Our Lady Peace? Yes.
44. Where is your mom? Work.
45. Where do you sleep? In my bed.
46. Where do you shop the most? Studio Six.
47. Where did you get the shirt you're wearing? It's a bodybuilding T-shirt and I have no idea where I got it from.
48. Coach Purse or NFL game tickets? Coach purse.
49. Where was your default pic taken? On the world famous Atlantic City boardwalk at Garden Pier.
50. Why did you pick your background? I am a goth!
51. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed? Because he grabbed me by the shirt across the bar and planted one on me. And no, I don't know his name.
52. Are you happy with where you are? No.
53. Do you still play with toys? Considering my bosses own the largest porn producing business on the east coast, that would be a YES!
54. Would you ever take someone back if they cheated on you? No.
55. Do you go to the beach to tan? Hardly! If you have a tan, you work in the fields. Mortimer don't work in no field!
56. Do you travel in the country or overseas? So far, just around the good ol' U.S.of A. But, I hope to go to London, England before I die!
57. Do you believe love at first sight exists? Yes, it happened to me. That's why he's not allowed in my club, every time I see him, my heart skips a beat.
58. Do you believe in celebrating anniversaries? Mile markers to your death!
59. Do you believe that you can change the one you love? Nope.
60. Would you ever consider getting engaged or married?Been there, done that. Don't forget, engaged has the word "gag" in the middle!

22 May 2007

The Latest In A Long Line Of...


1. Do you tend to rip the paper off waterbottles?
No. There are those at the club that do, I just chalk it up to too many stimulants.

2. If the mob was after you, what would you do?
Well, the only reason that they would be after me is because I owe them money. Therefore, I would use that money to GET THE HELL OUT OF DODGE!

3. When you shut off your alarm clock, do you tend to fall back asleep?

No. My alarm is on my telly, therefore, I have to get out of bed to turn it off. I actually have three alarm clocks, none of which have a snooze button, on my T.V. in case I REALLY need to get up.

4. If you were given the chance to take care of a monkey for a weekend, would you?
No. I have a monkey on my back. I spank the monkey. You gotta shock the monkey.

5. (I think #5 is MIA.)

6. What are you looking forward to in the next few months?
Making gobs of moolah!

8. If you were being chased by an alligator, what would you do?
That would mean I am in Florida so, I believe I would jump on him, tie him up and turn him over to Karl Lagerfeld and have him whip him into a fabulous pair of Chanel alligator pumps that fit me and then go visit Coy in Ft. Lauderdale area and Michael in Orlando!

9. What is your screen name?
Luvmort. Kinda self-explanatory.

10. What song are you currently listening to?
Nothing. The front windows are open and I hear a lawn mower going across the street and my flatmate is doing dishes in the kitchen.

11. Have you ever passed out from drinking?
Not today!

12. If you caught a significant other cheating on you, what would you do?
I threw the bum out!

13. What time did you wake up this morning?
At seven forty-five a.m.

14. Do you have any cousins?

Several. Second cousins, too. Kissing cousins, not so much.

15. Can you imagine yourself living in a cardboard box?
It would have been better than my last apartment!

16. Who was the last person you talked to?
My flatmate, the world famous, one and only, bestest and greatest, Chunkie Marinara!

17. What is the WORST subject they teach at school?
The Bible. I mean, who wrote that stuff?...wait...who?...God?...really?...are you sure?...oh...okay...umm...shop class. (in the interest of keeping in good with the Big Guy upstairs, I changed my answer)

19. What was your dream this morning?
It had something to do with you and me and a bed.

20. How many times have you seen your favorite movie?
More times than you could count on a calculator.

21. Where was the last place you traveled?
That would have been Florida!

22. How was your past weekend?
Busy and profitable!

23. What is your favorite song?
I am still jamming on "Candyman"-Christina Agui-sumtin'.

24. If puppies stayed small forever, would you buy one?
No. Barking rats are an abomination against nature.

25. What is the best ice cream flavor?
Butter pecan.

26. Ever liked someone that you didn't think you stood a chance with?
Certainly. Always.

27. Do you think you are attractive?
In the dark, I am the best looking person in the room!

28. Is someone on your mind right now?
Yes. And if he doesn't apologize, I will kill him.

29. Can you say the alphabet backwards?
Why? What's the point?

30. Do you worry about how you look?
I am gay. It's part of the deal. Vanity, thy name is homosexual! We have to keep up appearances, dahling, to give the chicks good looking escorts to make their straight boyfriends jealous when they get into an argument.

31. Would you ever change for a boy/girl?
Compromise is an essential ingredient to relationships. As long as he compromises, we'll have a great relationship.

32. Pro-life or Pro-choice?
Pro-choice. The other side seems to forget that a lot of women choose to have a baby.

33. Have you ever been on stage?
I live my life on stage but, on Friday, 1 June, I will be on stage in Mortimer's Cafe at the Studio Six in lovely downtown Atlantic City! Ring me for directions and details...

34. Can you whistle?
Just put your lips together...and blow!

35. Would you do anything for that special someone?
I have and I would.

36. Do you know who Stewie Griffin is?
"Your uppance will come!" Amy (River Rat Central) calls me that all the time!

37. Can you say you've never hungout in a parking lot?
You've never hungout in a parking lot. Okay, I said it. What do I get?

38. Do you hangout with more guys or girls?

39. Why?
I love ze boys, I love ze girls.

40. Have you ever thought a friend could be more than a friend?
I have and it's happened.

41. Do you like the beach/lake?
I live on the beach overlooking the Atlantic Ocean. So...yes.

42. Do any of your friends annoy you?
Delio, on a weekly basis.

43. What makes you laugh?
I am easily amused.

44. Are you ticklish?
There are a few who can tickle me.

45. Have you ever been in a hotel room with your friends/ opposite sex?

10 May 2007

Survey Time!

1. What is in the back seat of your car right now?
Nothing since I don't own a car.

2. When was the last time you threw up?
It's been a long time, I don't waste alcohol.

3. What's your favorite curse word?

4. Name one thing you bought today?
Not a damn thing.

5. What were you doing at 8:00 this morning?

6. What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
Umm...oh how embarrassing...I was on this damn computer.

7. If you could marry any celebrity today who would it be?
Colin Farrell.

8. What is the last thing you said aloud?
"Let's go play!"

9. What is the best ice cream flavor?
Butter pecan.

10. What was the last thing you had to drink?
Orange juice.

11. What are you wearing right now?
Black T-shirt, black shorts.

12. Last food you ate?
Chunkie's homemade chili! Yum!

13. Have you bought any clothing items in the last week?

14. When is the last time you ran?

15. What's the last sporting event you watched?
Entirely, the Superbowl

16. Last movie you saw?

17. Who is the last person you sent a message on myspace to?
I haven't a clue.

18. Ever go camping?

20. Do you like sushi?

21. Do you have a tan?
No, as Marie Antoinette said, "If you have a tan, you work in the fields." I don't work in no field!

22. Do you drink your soda from a straw?
I don't drink soda and I don't use straws.

23. What did your last text say?
"R u workin at the rail 2nite? Luv ya mere"

24. Are you someone's best friend?
Yes! And damn proud of it!

25. Where is your mom right now?
Working in the Philadelphia school system.

26.What color is your watch?
Currently, black with a faux diamond skull and crossbones.

27. What do you think of when you think of Australia?
"Priscilla, Queen of the Desert"

28. Ever ridden on a roller coaster?
Hell yes!

29. What is your birthstone?
Emerald. Green, my favourite colour.

30. Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive thru?
Depends on my timing.

31. What is your favorite number?
"Three, it's a magic number. Yes it is, it's a magic number. Somewhere in that ancient holy trinity, you'll find three, it's a magic number"-Schoolhouse Rock!

32. Do you have a dog?
No. I may be getting an English Bulldog! Hope...hope!

33. What does your first memory of your brother involve?
No bros.

34. Biggest annoyance in your life right now?

35. Last phone call?
From: Joey G.
To: Yellow Cab

36. Are you allergic to anything??
Surveys. Achoo!

37. Favorite shoes that you wear all the time.

38. Are you single?
Yes. Thanks for reminding me that I am alone.

39. Are you jealous of anyone?
Envious, not jealous. There is a difference.

40. Is anyone jealous of you?
Of course, have you seen me?

41. Do you own an ipod?
No, I have something similar.

42. Do any of your friends have children
Yes, new one as of last Friday!

43. What do you work as?
Professional drinker.

44. Do you hate anyone right now?
No. Intense dislike, not hate.

45. How old will you be turning on your next birthday?

46. Have you ever been to Six Flags?
Yes and Rita and I are going soon!

47. How did you get one of your scars?
Playing "The Floor Is Lava" when I was a child.

06 March 2007

A Dying Breed (R)

The amount of the world's population with the gene for red hair is 4%. The Oxford Hair Foundation predicts that natural redheads may become extinct by the year 2100.


For Little Bear, My Friend Who Loves Surveys! (R)

random things..
your birthday and age?:

15 May 1978
shoe size?:
Nine and one half.
piercings and tattoos?:
Seven piercings and no ink, ever!
sexual orientation?:
What are the choices? Considering his name was Vincent, I believe that makes me gay.
maiden name?:
That would assume I am a woman. Not today, dahling.

have you ever or do you?
eating disorder?:

have kids?:
Only with a fine white wine.
broken a bone?:
No but, Delio cracked a rib of mine.
been in real love?:
Truly, madly, deeply!
been stalked?:
Yes. You only know you have arrived when you begin to have stalkers.
slept with a married man or woman?:
Yes. They were married to each other.

been in a wedding?:
Yes, two.
do you drink?:
Is the pope Catholic? Do bears shit in the woods? Is the world round? Hell yes!

No, never.
your best friend?:
Is not talking to me.
do you like surprises?:
Not really.
do you have any gay friends?:
Not as many as you'd think!
who do you fight with the most?:
Depends. Rightnow, Patti but usually it's Delio, he pisses me off a lot.

person you called?:
My GM.
person who called you?:
person you texted?:
Kennie telling him that Vincent was French-Canadian, not German.
person who texted you, and what did it say?:
Delio asking if I wanted some of Nefertiti's birthday cake.
person you yelled at?:
Miss Patti. She still isn't talking to me.
person you hugged?:
person you kissed?:
Vincent. In "that" way.
person you wanted to punch?:
Delio. He always makes me want to punch him for something or other.
movie you saw?:
"The Children of Men".
concert you were at?
Damn, I can't remember.
last thing you ate?:
A bowl of Kix cereal.

Hmm...it depends on where I am at. Gnocchi with bottle of house red wine at Carlo's in Boston, pulled pork chimichanga with a pitcher of ultimate tequilas at Los Amigos in Atlantic City.
The entire gym!
football team?:
When I drank soda, it was diet Coke but, I gave up soda two years ago.
time of day?:
Just when the sun is setting.
day of the week?:
Any day I am making gobs of money!

do you believe in...
Yes. Go here: Ghost Story
life on other planets?:
Yes. I doubt we will ever meet but, there must be someone out there in this vast universe.
love at first sight?:
It happened to me. Which is why I don't allow him in the club. Whenever I see him, my heart jumps just like the first time I saw him.
that there is one person for everyone?:
No. But, God makes 'em and He matches 'em. And boy does He have a sense of humour!
that a guy should pay all the time?:
No. Please. No.
you have to set something free before you know if it was meant to be?:
In abortion?:
I believe in a woman's right to make up her own mind.
in having a plan for everything?:
No. Some of my best work was unplanned!
in helping the poor?:
Do they smell?

what's in your cd player right now?:
The soundtrack to "West Side Story".
crunchy or creamy peanut butter?:
sunrise or sunset?:
where are you most ticklish?:
There are few who can tickle me.
your longest relationship?:
It lasted almost ten years.
did it result in marriage?:
See next answer.
if you're not married, do you want to be?:
I can not be "married" in these here United States of America, the land of the free and the home of the brave because I am of the homosexual persuasion. I can be "commitment ceremonied" but, only in a few states (Go New Jersey!) and it's not recognized elsewhere. Got it? Good.
describe your current mood:
one place you are dying to visit?:
That would be Cornwall, England to visit and meet Miss Carberry, who I am just dying to know better, she rocks!
what color are your underwear?:
Currently, green with gray dollar signs on them.
what are you doing this weekend:
"Everybody's working for the weekend"-Loverboy!
your most memorable kiss?:
Joe, my exboyfriend, could make me see fireworks with his kisses. All the time.
have you ever peed in the woods:
Like a bear shits!
fave gum?:
I do not chew on items that make me look like a cow and cud!
fave pie?:
do you have any secrets?:
Plenty. I ain't tellin'!
do you watch mtv?:
Nope. It's no longer "music" television, it's "bad shows from spring break" television.
do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
If only!
are you thinking about anyone in particular right now?:
toaster or microwave?:
Depends on if I want my children crunchy or warm.
love or sex?:
I prefer love. Sex is just so overrated!
your 1st kiss?:
Boring. I was a girl.
most annoying person?:
The one who made this survey up!
who can you tell anything to?:
Johanna. She and I scheme and plot together so, she needs to know it all!
ever broke anyones heart?:
I have.
kissed someone you didn't know?:
All the time.

are you paranoid?:
No, only when they are watching me!

NJLB...I Mean...ABC Survey (R)

Are you available?:
Why yes, I am. Who's askin'?
What is your age?: Twenty-nine
What annoys you?:
Currently, my computer, it keeps throwing me off of MSN and AOL.

Do you know anyone named Billy?:
Yes, my former manager who may rot in the hellish cesspool of his own puss!
When is your birthday?: 15 May
Who is your best friend?: Miss Patti is the bestest and longest.

Do you have a cell phone?:
Yes. Nextel sucks!
What's your favorite candy?:
M&M's are the best!
Do you have a crush?:
Yes. It's not whom you'd think!

Do you daydream?: Yes, a lot.

What's your favorite kind of dog?:
Well, I am partial to English Bulldogs. They rock! But, it has to be a dog, not a barking rat.
What day of the week is it?:
Tuesday. All day.

How do you like your eggs?:
I love them over easy, like me, with a little hot sauce, like me.
Have you ever been in the emergency room?: Yes, for numerous friends. They are accident prone.
Ever flown in a plane?: Many times, thanks to my great friend La Chunk who gets me going places!
Do you use fly swatters?:
Not many flies on Absecon Island, actually.
Have you ever used a foghorn?: No. Not yet.
What's your favorite class?: Art. I excelled at art.

Do you wear g strings:
When I am stripping!
Do you chew gum?:
See last survey.
Are you a giver or a taker?: I love to give of myself.
Have you been go-karting?: Yes, actually.

How are you?:
Fabulous, just ask anyone!
What's your height?:
What color is your hair?:
Today, my natural colour of dark red.
What's the hardest thing to do?: Walk and chew gum. Fly without wings. Kiss your elbow. Wash blood out of linen.

What's your favourite ice cream?:
Ben & Jerry's Two Twisted
What's your best imitation of?:
I do a fabulous Boy George and Barbra Striesand!
Have you ever ice skated?:
Nope, thank the gods!

Do you wear jewelry?:
Depends on the event. I always have on my star ring that Michael gave me. Never took it off since he gave it to me.
Do you like jumping jacks?: O.K. This is bloody stupid!

Have you ever been to Jamaica?:
No. Bahamas.

Who do you want to kill?:
...and the list goes on...
Do you want kids?:
As the main course, of course!
Where did you have kindergarten?:
Bellmawr Park in Bellmawr, New Jersey and my teacher's name was Mrs. Vernon. I loved her to pieces!

Are you in love?:
Are you laid back?:
I am easily amused.
Do you lie?:
Like a rug!

What's your favorite movie?: SW:IV:A New Hope.

Do you still watch Disney movies?:
Yes! I love, love, love The Little Mermaid.
Do you like mangos?: I love the Mango!

Do you have a nickname?:
Yes. Several.
Whats your favourite number?: "Three, it's a magic number, yes it is, it's a magic number, somewhere in the ancient holy trinity, you'll find three, it's a magic number". Thank you, Schoolhouse Rock.
Do you prefer night over day?: NIGHT! ALWAYS THE NIGHT. THE SUN, IT HURTS!

What's your one wish?:
A cure for A.I.D.S.
Are you an only child?: Nope, I have a younger sister.

What one fear are you most paranoid about?:
That they are out to get me.
Have you ever been paintballing?: No, damn!

Are you quick to judge people?:
Yes. It's the gaydar, can't help it.

Do you think you're always right?:
I know that I am always right.
Do you watch reality tv?:
Used to. My life is more interesting.
What's a good reason to cry?:
I have cried a lifetime but, when the vodka runs out, that's the best reason to shed tears!

Do you prefer sun or rain?:
I like a rainy day.
Do you like snow?:
Bite me.
What's your favourite season?:
Do you play soccer?:
No. Why?

What time is it?:
It is currently 1:34pm EST
What time did you wake up?:
I haven't been sleeping much, lately but, I believe I offically got up today at 7:30am EST.
When was the last time you slept in a tent?:
I could get real nasty here but, I won't. Never.

Can you ride a unicycle?:
No. What? No.
Do you use an umbrella?:
Try to, the Atlantic City winds usually make that an impossible feat.

What's the worst veggie?:
There are no bad vegetables.
Where do you want to go on vacation?:
I want to go to Cornwall, England and frolic on the beach with Miss Carberry!

What's your worst habit?:
Grinding my teeth.
Where do you live?:
The great state of New Jersey! Now serving civil unions!

Have you ever had an x-ray?:
Have you seen the x-games?:
No. Why? No.
Do you own a xylophone?:
I did, as a child.

Do you like the color yellow?:
Why not, it's never done a thing to me.
What year were you born in?:

Do you believe in the zodiac?: The one on MSN is usually accurate but in reality, no.

What's your favorite zoo animal?: The great apes. They are fascinating to watch.

01 March 2007

Joke Of The Day (R)

A woman from Atlantic City and another woman were seated side-by-side on an airplane. The woman from Atlantic City, being friendly and all, said:

"So, where are you from?"

The other woman said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The woman from Atlantic City sat quietly for a moment and then replied:

"So, where are you from, bitch?"

Eye Chart (R)

Delio came to get me, finally, and off we went to my eye appointment. Once again, the little speed demon had me white-knuckling it. All during the ride, he was on my case, being a smart-ass and getting on my nerves. He knows how to push my buttons. Luckily for him, I was dependent on his chariot services so, I couldn't really fight back, which he knew and took to full advantage. I don't blame him, I give it to him on a regular basis. Actually, every chance I get.

I walk in, fill out the forms and then I'm brought back by the assistant to have usual tests and things they give you, like that annoying air-puff test that always makes me jump. Come to find out, her best friend is a regular at our club so, we chatted about the nightlife and crackheads.

The doctor saw me right away.

You know your eyes are bad when the doctor makes fun of your vision. He did the usual "this one or this one?" and "is this clearer or this one?". Of course, Delio sends me a smart-ass text message right in the middle of my exam. Mi nino malo! The doctor recommended that I get the disposable contacts instead of the daily wear because, and get this, my vision is so bad my contacts will be too thick to allow oxygen get into my eyes. TOO THICK CONTACTS! Now, that's bad.

Hell, if you're gonna do something, do it right, right?

The other problem with my prescription is, they don't carry them in stock at that strength. They have to be special made so, I have to wait until Friday to get them. The doctor was trying to talk me into purchasing glasses but, I told him no way, I'll wear the ripped contact, thank you. I figured he would have told me that my cornea was scratched from wearing it and he didn't so, I must be ok for now.

Paid the receptionist and then we made our way home, once again, mi nino malo making fun of me the whole ride. Funny though how, when we got within the Atlantic City limits, he clammed up and was sweet as pie.

Smart kid. He was about to get a pounding.

Work this weekend was abominable.


But, at least I met someone. Maybe things are changing.

Doing My Part (R)

O.K. I don't want to jinx this but, well...now that I think about it...well...anyway...ok...let me just spill the beans.

There is a singing/dancing troupe in town at the Tropicana from the show Best of Broadway and they have been coming to the club for the past month or so since they've been here. They are mostly Canadian, from Toronto. The thing is, one of them is just too cute and I finally got up the nerve to...well..."make my move" as they say. We kissed a little, we talked a little, we flirted ALOT. He's the only one from Quebec City (I didn't tell him about my intense hatred for all things French-Canadian. Then again, his tongue was down my throat) but, his lineage is from Sweden and he looks it. Shoulder length blonde hair and those angled Nordic good looks. He's also very bendable, being a dancer. Ahem.

NOTE: As I am writing this entry, he just logged in on MSN Messenger and we are chatting!

He's in the middle of his afternoon show and he had to go back onstage.

To continue, we chatted and flirted, I am going to see the show on Tuesday, I hear it's great. Oh, and I may see him TONIGHT!

The little problem is...HE IS LEAVING MARCH 1st! Just my rotten luck.

Anyway, I think, in the spirit of international relations and civic responsibility, I have to show him the true American way and Atlantic City hospitality and give him a send off that will set a positive tone for when he returns home! Don't you?

You'll be the first to know.

23 February 2007

22 February 2007

Loss (R)

My good friend, Aigne Diamond, passed away after a lengthy illness.

She was one HELL of a performer. I recently watched some videos of her in our Miss'd America Pageant as well as a guest in my stage show, Mortimer's Cafe. She told me that she was so honoured to be invited to perform in my show, she didn't think she was good enough. Believe me, she's now among the angel's choir, showing them how it's done! She gave it all for the stage and she made me a better performer.

Rest in peace, Aigne. I will never forget you.

Clearing Up A Few Things

To my secret commenter, I have no pics of the Cherry Bar but, I will try to rectify that situation this weekend.
As for the Miss'd America Pageant, just click and you'll get the lo-down.
Sorry for not getting to these comments earlier, I didn't know that Blogger switched to Google and I had these things stored on the new site. All better now.

17 February 2007

Afterbirth (R)

(Thanks for the title, Joey!)

Little Jose and I never made it to Philadelphia. I had been up since six in the morning but he over slept and didn't get up until almost one in the afternoon. He was still game for taking Miss Patti and I around and about. Little did he know what he agreed to. Of course, I lectured her to make this as painless as possible, for several reasons. One: I hate children, babies and anything to do with them. This is not a new statement and send the hate mail to someone who cares. Two: I know her, give her an inch and she'll swim all over you. I told her to narrow the list to a few places, close together so we won't be doing this all bloody day. Three: Give her an inch and she'll swim all over you. Yes, I repeated this statement but this time it's in reference to spending my nonexistent funds. I had an extremely limited budget (like three dollars) and I really couldn't afford Miss Patti's extravagant tastes. Or mine, for that matter.

Of course, this is where I tell you that all of this went right down the crapper.

She did well, I must admit. The stores were all around the Hamilton Mall so, after eating and shopping at Hot Topic for this cute little The Nightmare Before Christmas baby jumper (did I just say a baby jumper was cute? Kill me!) we went on our hunt for supplies/decorations/food/presents. Several hundred hours later, and well into next week, we were finally done. I left a very bad impression at Babies "R" Us. something I am very proud of. As the new expecting couples were sitting there and Little Jose and Patti were getting the registry, I was chatting with Patti about my hatred of all age-challenged humans. The girl at the desk was horrified and I explained that if they aren't legal to drink, I would just rather not know them. Then I walked out. Only to walk back in and use the restroom (funny how the men's room was all the way to the side, and very small and unnoticeable). After arguing with Patti over EVERYTHING (my gods, sometimes I don't know how she EVER makes a bloody decision without first calling a committee meeting), we made our way to the liquor store and I purchased the ingredients for my WORLD FAMOUS CHOCOLATE MARTINIS (Stacy and Nettie, you missed the best batch, EVAH!).

We quickly ran to the club and I left Miss Patti there to decorate and I met up with La Chunk the Great and he, Jose and I made our way to Tiffany & Co. at The Pier. I loved walking in there, it's just...just...FABULOUS! I told the shop girl that I had rung up earlier inquiring about the baby spoons and she directed me to the case. I immediately saw the one I wanted.

It was just so beautiful. I chose the moon and stars because Johanna and I are creatures of the night.

Walking back through Caesars, I held the bag out, arm's length, to show off my purchase to anyone who passed by whilst explaining to Little Jose the cache of Tiffany's and it's effect on women. I put it this way: Dude, if I was Johanna's boyfriend and presented her with this little blue bag, I'd be getting the greatest sex I ever had!

It's crude but to the point. He understood immediately.

Hell, if somebody gave me a Tiffany's bag, I'd fuck them where they stood.

Anyway...I ran home, got changed, did the gym with Jose (I tortured him the whole time) and then packed a drag bag and went to work, wearing the tightest T-shirt I could find from Baby Gap to show off the new bod.

The rest of the night was a blur but, I remember giving Johanna the gift, separately, without an audience. I told her that I have lived a long time, I have made and lost some of the most beautiful people I have ever known and I told her about the moment that I considered her my friend, a moniker I do not give lightly. I told her that I knew at that moment that I loved her and we would be great friends forever after. I gave her the bag and she started crying. So did I. She opened it and I told her the significance of the moon and stars. She started crying again. So did I. She wants me to come with her to get it engraved so I can put something on there "in my own special way", as she put it.

Wiping the tears, we hugged and kissed and then I went back to get ready for the show. I do the sixties version of "Always Something There To Remind Me"-Sandie Shaw where, when it gets to that line, I open my fabulous black-velvet-with-pink-satin-interior coat to reveal the pregnant belly! Then, right before the last chorus, I run offstage and come back out with a house coat on, a shower cap and the baby wrapped in a blanket and finish the number. It's a cute bit and Johanna was screaming with laughter.

I don't remember much of the rest of the night, I had drank way too many WORLD FAMOUS CHOCOLATE MARTINIS. Cute moment number two, we put the chocolate martinis in baby bottles, they went over very well.

All in all, I think I threw one hell of a baby shower.

Many thanks to Little Jose for putting up with chauffeuring us all day.

All the love in the world for Miss Patti. Without her, I am nothing.

Johanna, I love you!

My Day Today Or The Best Laid Plans (R)

I am up, again. I didn't sleep, again. No, not even pharmaceuticals are helping. I think it's just that my body is so geared for going to sleep now that I can't switch the gears and sleep at night. It is weird to go to bed at eleven p.m., I'm usually at work for an hour by then. Or, at least getting up to go to work, or out.

Little Jose and I worked out in his gym last night, it was freezing in there and it did not help the equipment. Even he needed help lifting the bench press and believe me, he's strong as an ox. I was looking at myself in the mirrors, luckily the outfit I am wearing tonight is going to cover most of my body (I am preggers in the number) because I no longer look like a svelte supermodel. I look like a male stripper. Not good when you are trying to do drag. I guess that part of my career is soon to be over.

Today he has to go to Philadelphia for green card issues and I might take the ride with him. Maybe, just maybe, I'll get a chance to see my Mother. Do you think she'll be available?

Neither do I!

Afterwards, he agreed to take Miss Patti and I around to get all the supplies for the baby shower tonight. Miss Patti and I are at odds, she is driving me mad with this "boyfriend" of hers and every time she rings with me with another complaint, I want to reach right through the phone and strangle her! Well...him. Now it's the car (or the bills, or the heat, or food, or...) and she was going to have to bus everywhere to get everything. Luckily, Little Jose has off and agreed to chauffeur us through South Jersey. What would have taken the entire day will now only take an hour or so.

I was chatting with La Chunk this morning and...well...I hate him because we talk shopping and I came up with a great idea. I want to get Johanna a silver spoon from Tiffany & Co. Yes, it's ridiculous, it's a waste, it's not practical.

It's perfect!

I know she's registered other places but, I want to give her that little blue box with a beautiful silver spoon for her baby. In addition, La Faboo is going to get for me a frame from the Discovery Channel Store that has a place for the footprints and a picture of the little imp, which I think is so sweet. Plus, he can work his employee discount and I won't be crying when he presents me with the bill.

I am going to be paying for all of this for a LONG time to come!

Wait...who the hell am I!? What have I done with Mortimer?!? Why I am shopping for BABY CRAP!!!

After that, I will be getting everything together (drag, supplies, baby crap) and then, off to work (FINALLY!) and the baby shower.

Now I can't wait to see how this day REALLY goes.

For La Sletje (R)

Came home from gym. Ate salad. Watched telly. Went to bed. Didn't sleep. Got up. Made coffee. Talked to you.

So there.

Or I could have written it like this...

The gym was quiet. One of the "resolution bunnies" (there are fewer and fewer) asked me if I worked at Deja Vu. After much discussion about the clubs in Atlantic City, we realized that I was his bartender at the strip club a while ago when he was there for a bachelor party. It was interesting to hear what happened afterwards, evidently I got the bachelor's father so drunk, he ended up getting on a bus and got off in Baltimore. He had no idea how it happened. He had no money to get home. My new "friend" also wanted to know if I get any action with the strippers. The dumb fuck. I guess he didn't smell the lavender when we were talking. I didn't correct him. It's just not worth the effort.

I realized that Chunkie needed a few things from the grocery store so I finished up my workout early, noting that I am actually getting bigger. Even Little Jose, whom I am envious of, remarked that he wants me to work out with him, I am getting too big and he's getting jealous. I ran through the Pathmark, trying to remember what he wanted, what I needed and quickly made my way to the self-serve check-out. I am becoming a master of this new fangled technology and I was able to get my change and make it outside to catch the bus home.

The blistering cold had descended on my fair little island and it seemed that no matter what direction I walked, Jack Frost blew his frigid breath right at me. The orange juice boxes, yogurt, bagels and whatnot did not help dangling from my arm, the plastic grocery bag making an infernal noise with all the wind.

I saw Chunkie walking down our wind tunnel street on his way to work, we mumbled quickly to each other, I didn't want to stop since I had just walked eight blocks in this island Antarctica.

Inside, I relit my candle on my shrine (just in case) and sat, watching...whatever on the television. I don't remember and I don't really care.

Dinner was salad and a protein shake with a delicious non-fat non-sugar yogurt for dessert. Yum. Not. I decided to go to bed, hoping, praying, that I will actually get some sleep. I walked almost ten miles during the day, fresh air, a great workout for almost an hour and I had been up since seven that morning, there's no way I couldn't sleep.

You'd think.

Even the pill (small, white, no idea) didn't help. It only put me out for two, maybe three hours and I was up again. Watching...whatever, I don't really care.

This morning was a study in boredom. Banging around the penthouse, actually considering cleaning the bathroom. The fridge. My room.

No. Don't wanna.

Miss Patti rings, she's becoming a bother. Now I am pissed off and that's not good when I am in this...mood. Now I have something to do but, it's not good. Now I can torture my best friend and that's not good.

I'll do it anyway.

14 February 2007

Love. (R)

When we want to read of the deeds that are done for love, whither do we turn? To the murder column.
George Bernard Shaw

The only true love is love at first sight; second sight dispels it.
Israel Zangwill

Love is what happens to two people who don't know each other.
W. Somerset Maugham

Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve the continuation of the species.
W. Somerset Maugham

Many a man has fallen in love with someone in a light so dim he would not have chosen a suit by it.
Maurice Chevalier

Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.
Stephen Leacock

The delusion that one person differs from all others.
H. L. Mencken

What A Difference. (R)

Yesterday, massive storms moved through the midwest and ended up on our doorstep, along with and at the same time as the twenty other states that line the eastern seaboard. Massive. The snow started falling long before the Accu-forecasts and I was not happy. I trust my weather people. Especially the cute one on the local station I watch, loyally. I was dissappointed, once again. I sat watching the snow fall, looking quite beautiful through our new front windows, although I hate a lot of snow. I lit some candles and just enjoyed the winter scene. I get a phone call from Little Jose, he needs my help again with his English course at school. We set a time for mentoring and I take a nap, this is perfect sleeping weather. I wake up, unrested. I have been tossing and turning again, lately and my dreams are vivid and disturbing. I don't want to sleep anymore, I don't want to see what my mind conjures up when I am no longer in control.

As I get ready, he is out front, early. I quick throw on my workout clothes, I figured I'd get him to drive me to the gym on his way back to evening classes. We read the essays and discuss the questions. I am not happy with his teacher for grading him so badly on his last test. The questions demand a subjective answer, how can one's opinion be wrong. I also think he's a bit out of his element. English is not his native language, no matter how quickly he has learned and grasped our tongue and the essays are a bit wordy even for me. And I have been known to enjoy a dry, dusty tome or two in my day. We finish up and make our way out of his building, only to slip and slid, grabbing each other to keep balance. The sidewalk, the street, the car is covered in a layer of ice. The snow had long ago stopped, turned to rain but now, with the coming dark, all that water is freezing.

He got me to the gym without accident and sped off. I rang him and told him that he wasn't funny. As I worked out, he rings me back from the school, class was canceled and he passed several bad accidents along the way. He offers to come collect me and I accept. I finished up my workout and went to the grocery store to pick up a few things.

Back home, I listen as the storm intensifies and becomes a nor'easter, blowing the rain up against those same new windows with a certain violence known only to those who live along the ocean.

Chunkie and I sit and watch telly and then we wander off to our bedrooms, to get warm and snug under the covers of our respective beds.

My dreams, once again, keep me from any true rest.

I wake to change. The weather turns on a dime, the rains stop mid-morning and Chunkie and I decide on brunch at our favourite haunt, Brittany's Cafe. It was actually rather nice on our way there. By the time we were done, the walk home was a different story. The temperatures fell ten degrees and we made our way quickly back to our flat. We did our usual chores and Chunkie decided on a nap. I, feeling restless, made an entry on the computer and made the decision to walk down to the club and pick up my check. By now, the sun was shining and it looked simply spectacular outside.

The winds were blowing but, the temperature was manageable and I took my route down the boardwalk, as I am usually wont to do. I marvel at the low-level clouds as they are blowing out to sea like an armada of ships, sailing with haste to free the fair Helen from the clutches of Paris in ancient Troy. The sea, the mighty Atlantic, is churning with a violence all it's own. The waves, huge and cresting farther out than normal, the spray of salt and water filling the air, the foam gathering along the shore line. This, my friends, is why I live here, to witness the power of Mother Nature in her tempest glory, as land, air and sea meet and do battle.

I breathe the cleansed air and let the chill winds play across my face as I watch from the safe confines of the boardwalk. I notice, several times, that I am the only one out there, for at least a mile. I think to myself that yes, I am all alone on Valentine's Day. Alone, on the boardwalk, under the blue skies, in bustling Atlantic City. Alone.

After picking up my check and saying hullo to everyone there, I start my walk home and what a difference, once more the weather turned on a dime and now, the sky is stone grey, where just minutes ago it was blue and bright, the rain is slight but stinging, as the breeze that was so temperate before is now battering me with it's small pinprick droplets. I still face the weather and walk all the way home, through the city, this time, letting the buildings and over-head walkways shield me as much as they could.

Time to get ready, the gym is calling me. And the skies are once more blue.

What a difference, indeed.

11 February 2007

King Tut! (R)

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Miss Patti and I were up at the crack of dawn and made our way to Philadelphia. The train was lovely, PATCO was clean and efficient as usual. We got off at 16th and Locust and WHAM! ICE AGE!

Wow, it was muthabloodyhumper cold in the city of brotherly love.

We wandered like the march of the penguins to our friend Charles' new salon and warmed up there and caught up on each other's lives. I rang my Mother (who was unavailable, as usual) and my sister. Patti and I braved the arctic and walked over to see her at her preschool, which is located in a church. We met the other teachers and the kids, they were all so cute. It was nap time but, they were all staring at me, like the kids in the Village of the Damned.

We said our good-byes and then made the trek through the artic tundra that was center city down to the Franklin Institute. Actually, it wasn't so bad in the direct sun but, being in a city with tall buildings, direct sun was hard to come by. We took pictures outside and then made our way in.

We had time before our tour started so we did the rest of the Institute, trying unsuccessfully to dodge the kids running helter skelter under our feet. All the sudden, it was time and we were queued up.

The exhibit was breathtaking. It starts with the Dynasties before Tut and the last five rooms are artifacts from his tomb. The coffin for his mother was amazing. The detail, the inlays, the carvings and the gold. "Everywhere the glint of gold", as Howard Carter was quoted as saying. And it was too true. The small figurines were what I found most beautiful. They were in every medium from wood to copper to alabaster and stone. Beautiful colours and etchings, to think they survived 3500 years in such pristine condition is astounding.

We finished up and then La Chunk came to fetch us, since he had to drop his brother off at the airport in the afternoon. We visited Sandy Beach at the 12th Air Command and then made the voyage home.

King Tutankhamun, to say your name is to give you life.

Small payment for allowing us to view such gifts as yours. May you find peace in the afterlife.

31 January 2007

Friday: Boat Trips And Homeward Bound (R)

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We got up early to pack and vacate the hotel and then we drove over to see Billy so we could have brunch in Lauderdale-by-the-Sea at this fabulous little bistro that Billy knew of. It's always great when you go into a place and the hostess gives you a big hug! We sat watching the waves and eating. I had two Bloody Marys with brunch which was a spinach omelet with homefries. Very tasty, especially with the TABASCO green pepper sauce. Yummy! We walked along the beach after brunch and then I went shopping for trinkets to give to those loved ones back home. Billy had the great idea to turn in "La Abuela", the rental car that La Chunk picked out, this way we could have extra time to do things instead of sitting in the airport hours before our flight. We decided to go on a riverboat cruise which took us through the rivers, canals and intercoastal waterway that lines Florida. The pictures above better illustrate that adventure. The cruise host pointed out the various homes and who lives there. Very rich and wealthy. The private yachts were bigger than the cruise boat we were on. These people have some serious "size" issues. Can you say "overcompensation"? Sure you can. I knew you could. After cocktails on the boat, we made our way back to land and walked along the soon-to-be-torn-down waterfront area in old Ft. Lauderdale. Now we were hungry and Billy then took us to this tres gay restaurant called Rosie's Bar & Grill (formerly Hamburger Mary's). It was a hoot and a hollar! This is where I made Chunkie's whole trip. As we were sitting there, eyeing the very hot wait staff and enjoying our food, I was taking a sip of my mojhito when a funny thought occurred to me. Now, this was a very funny thought and I was sipping a liquid. Can you figure out what happened next? Yes, Mortimer, the personification of class and understatement, did a spit take all over Chunkie and Billy! I knew it was gonna happen, which made it worse because I clamped my mouth shut only to make it come out like a jet stream! I couldn't believe it, I soaked both of them! Chunkie roared with laughter, thank the gods, and I wiped them both off. We met a former bartender from Atlantic City, who was dubbed Michael Sissy Fag Fag when he worked here. Don't ask. It's funny to bump into so many transplants from my little island.

The sun was setting and we went to this gay sports bar for one (or two or three) last cocktail in South Florida. The sweet bartender bought me my third drink, how nice, and I got a token to keep as a remembrance. A drink token, not a hickey, get your minds out of the gutter! Billy drove us back to the airport and, after sailing through security, we got on the plane (Note: Due to continued threat of bodily harm, I am not allowed to discuss the seating style of Southwest Airlines nor am I allowed to complain that we got there so goddamn early to be in the "A" section for no reason whatsoever!) and we flew back to the real ice age of twenty degree (6C) weather and snow in New Jersey!

I am going back in May. I am using the time before this next trip to decide what to do with my life. I realized during my trip that I could really do something with my life down there, the opportunities are many and varied. There is so much for me to do and I know that there's really nothing left for me around here. I have no real ties to this area anymore, except for some wonderful and close friendships but, airfare is cheap and it's only two hours between New Jersey and Florida. So, I will be making my plans, soon.

What a wonderful vacation.

Thursday: The Coming Ice Age Is Upon Us. (R)

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Or so you'd think. The temps dropped to the sixties (around 20C) and the people down there were literally walking around in parkas. And umbrellas, due to the torrential rain (which they needed). It was nuts!

We got up (me with a mighty hangover) and made our way down to Hollywood to do some shopping for what we refer to as "Chunk's Cheeps!". That goes back to La Slut's days at Walmart when he would ring us up when things went on major markdown. Whilst we were there, we decided to go to the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel & Casino to see our friend, the fabulous Susan Rennissen! Well, she wasn't answering her mobile nor her business phone, the bitch, so we decided to walk around, gamble a little and then get something to eat at the Hard Rock Cafe. Our waitron was fabulous, this cute girl who did open mike night late into the evening before so, I was loving her. Funny, cute and a party girl, just my type (well, if I could get over the whole homosexual thing)! As we were eating, La Whore sees this rockin' blonde chick in tight leather pants (D&G) walk in and make her way to a table at the far end where a birthday party was happening. By the looks of the people at the table, it was the tribe members that own the casino. We realized it was our Susan (fabulous!) but, I didn't want to barge over there, I mean, I don't like crashing parties without bringing something. I gave my business card to our waitron and had her give it to Susan, discreetly. Well, she came running over to our table and sat right down! I love her to pieces! We played catch-up and then, out of the blue, she referred to a message we had left and she got up and left us for a minute. When she returned, she gave us cards and told us the she arranged a day at the spa for us at the casino! HOW FABULOUS IS THAT? I took advantage of the gym and La Prostitute did the facial treatment. The gym overlooked the pool area so, while working out, I waslooking at palm trees and waterfalls. How fun! After a great workout (Susan came in and we chatted some more and I thanked her profusely), I met up with La Hooker and we went shopping some more. I found over a hundred dollars of items at the Gap for less than ten dollars. Does La Street-Walker know how to find a bargin or what!?!

We then went back to Ft. Lauderdale and our room to get ready for a bar-b-que dinner at Paul's home. The weather kind-of cooperated and we took a quick dip in the pool right outside our room. It was heated, which was a good thing. It was kind of chilly, I must admit, especially after getting out of the water and running back to our room to shower and get dressed.

What a dinner it was! Our friend, Billy, has a not-so-secret admirer at the meat market where he goes and he got the major hook-up on these delicious steaks. I mean, it was over a hundred dollars worth of steak for peanuts! Yum! Everything was so good, the green beans, the baked potatoes, the garlic bread but the best was the leanest, fattest, like-butter-in-your-mouth steaks. Kevin Covello, a good friend from the Atlantic City area who now lives in Florida, was also in attendance and we all bored poor Paul to death with tales-gone-by of A. C.'s heydays. Oh...I got to see manatees! Well, not in person but, they had a video of a manatee cow and calf that swam up to their dock (Paul lives off of one of the many canals) for some fresh water out of the hose. They really do look like mermaids.

We went out for a cocktail (or two or three or four, of course) back to Scandals Saloon where I got a T-shirt, and then off to their soon-to-be-new-location, Elements. After the day we had, La Trollop and I finally went back to our room and slept deeply. Friday was going to be a busy day so, we needed our rest.

Next up: Decisions, boat rides, shopping and homeward bound!