27 April 2010

Post-Bingo Blahs

I am suffering from a serious case of drag-lag, that extreme case of the blahs one can get after a show. You don't want to do anything, go anywhere nor see anyone. Although the show was on Sunday afternoon, it's now Tuesday and I am still out-of-sorts. I ate all the wrong things on Monday, all day Monday, and I'm back on my diet this morning (although I think I inadvertently kicked off an eating frenzy because I am hungry as all hell!).
I also think I am a little down because I wasn't happy with my performance at the Red Ribbon Bingo this month. I am hyper-critical of myself and I know I wasn't up to par. Yes, the feedback has been great, as usual, but I didn't feel the spark I usually get when I'm done a performance. Oh well, you knock one out of the park or you strike out. I think last Sunday was definitely a strike-out where I was concerned.
It was great to have my "family" come and see me, though! Helene, Margo, James, Alvin, Rico, Kyra and yes, even Claudia and Doris were all in attendance and sat right up front. I wish I had done a number for them, it would have been nice to perform but Sandy picks and chooses who does what and I guess I do have the most time on stage (aside from Sandy), being the ball-caller and all. I am seriously contemplating getting more of my drag gear out of storage so I can really do this right. And I need to have more money coming in so I can get new outfits made. Miss Patti and I are dredging up some seriously bad material to make dresses out of and they are not up to my usual standards.

Unemployment put a serious dent in my budget this week, paying me only one of the two weeks I usually get. I have yet to determine why this happened. I logged online as usual on Thursday and got a message that I had to call in my information. When I did, at the beginning of the call the computer stated it was for the two weeks but when I finished entering the information and answering the standard questions, it said a check for one week would be sent to me on Saturday. Of course, I was dealing with a computer so I had no immediate recourse to argue/ask questions/freak out. This has happened in the past but I usually receive a two-week check anyway but, alas, not this time. So, that means I am now SERIOUSLY poor until I get my pay from the bingo gig. Believe me, I am still drawing off of my former salary at the club which was based on my three dollar and fifty cents an hour wage so I get very little to live on each week. Now that I received one of the usual two weeks, I am, in a word, fucked. I'll be ringing them up this afternoon to (hopefully) resolve the situation.

I can't wait to get to the gym today. Even though it's gloomy outside, I am determined to get there and work out. Margo gave me a compliment on Sunday, saying that I have lost a lot of weight since we "reunited" several months ago and that I look good. After thinking about it, though, it may be a back-handed compliment. Does that mean I was fat before? Hmm...I may have to beat her later!
I am happy being back in the gym. I know I keep going on about it but it is my little haven.

Ooo...I think the sun is coming out!!

My clothes are definitely starting to fit better, my jeans aren't as tight and my shirts are snug across the chest again instead of the waist. Yeah, I guess I did put on a bit of weight. Self-denial and rationalization are my mantras. Bad habits I need to break, or at least work on a little more.

I have had some bizarre dreams again, a lot of them about Delio. Why he is on my mind so much is beyond me, we haven't seen each other for nearly a year. And he blocked me from Facebook months ago, for some reason or other, so it's not like I have seen him online, either. I guess there are still some unresolved issues going on there. I do miss him, though, even with everything that happened between us.

My mother is selling her home and getting ready to retire which is giving me pause. Over Thanksgiving, she gave me some beautiful Chinese bowls from a family member who passed away and on my walk to the train through the city, it began to hit me that, eventually, I'll have to deal with...those things you don't want to think about, let alone put into print. And that little incident, coupled with her looming retirement, is making it harder and harder to ignore this inevitable fact of life.

I'll deal with this whole topic MUCH later.

Time for more coffee, a weather check and I'll be right back...

Okay, the sun is hiding once again but the rains seem to have gone and I have a nice fresh cup o'Joe in front of me.

"The View" is on in the background but the bitches are boring today. I miss the Rosie days. She caused more havoc during the "Hot Topics" section then the topics they were discussing. Now, under Whoopie's direction, it's back to boring, predictible, middle-of-the-road topics of discussion.

I guess I should get showered and ready for the gym.

21 April 2010

Home. Gym. Home.

Being in a foul mood and on Facebook is not a good combination for someone like me. I have a tendency to speak my mind, generally, but I usually temper my bluntness with humour. It's the little bit o'sugar to help the medicine go down, as the song says. Miss Patti has told me over the years that I can be blunt to the point of mean. This being said, I realized this morning, as I was reading my friends Facebook status updates, that everything was rubbing me the wrong way. It wasn't anyone's fault but my own. Perception is everything and I was perceiving things through murky waters and I decided to log off, get my ass in gear and go to the gym. Right before I shut down the computer (and after writing a quick journal entry), I was going to re-load my mp.3 player with new music, I am so bloody bored with the hundred or so songs I have on there since I've been listening to them for the last month and a half during my four mile round trip journey to and from the gym. I realized, though, that my dino-puter hates me and it would be another hour or so for me to get it to recognize my little player and upload my music to it. Believe me, if I went to do it now it would load up right away. Because I was in a hurry earlier, it would take it's sweet ol' time and make me suffer. It was easier to shut the damn computer off take my walk without musical accompaniment. Although I wasn't relishing having to be with my evil thoughts. Time became a factor, though. I noticed during the news updates that rains were on the way and I didn't want to be caught in them during my walk so, after getting dressed in my gym clothes, I immediately left.

Off I went out the door. I felt the ocean-cooled air as soon as I left the porch and could see the clouds coming in from the south-west, the general direction I was headed. I wandered down Atlantic Avenue for a bit, passing the shops and stores that surround Little Rock Avenue and said "hullo" to the guys that I know at the salon in the neighborhood with a little wave and a smile. I cut down one of the streets to Ventnor Avenue since there are more businesses and people there. I wasn't in the best of moods but I wasn't that anti-social. I love to people-watch and Ventnor Avenue would have more people. I didn't take long for my attention and my thoughts to wander and I was looking at the trees and blossoms all along the way, taking in the intoxicating scents the flowers were producing. Springtime is a wonderful time of year on my island of love, heralding the coming summer and the show that nature puts on is a beautiful sight to see, smell and feel. I found myself reaching up and touching the petals of the flowering trees and standing there as they cascaded down around me when a gust of wind knocked them loose. For although I was in a dark mood, I still managed to enjoy the world around me.

At one point, though, a kid on a bicycle came barreling around the corner of one of the stores and nearly crashed into me. I muttered a few foul things and continued on my way down the avenue.

I got to
Body Architects and it was blessedly free of people, a luxury I rarely had at Island Gym when I went there. So far, going in the early afternoon seems to be the golden time, few to no people which gives me the entire place to myself. I greeted the owner and said hi to the person he was training and began my workout. I have raised my weights again, getting closer and closer to the levels I was at nearly a year ago and that felt good but my mind-set was still dreary, as the oncoming weather, and it took me a while to get myself motivated. By the time I finished my chest exercises, I was feeling better. Kat, Helene's trainer, came in and we talked a bit and I had to speed up my workout a bit. She said that it had started to spritz when she came in. That meant the rains were coming a little earlier than anticipated.
Looking at myself in the mirrors there gave me a little ego boost. I can really see the results of the past month and a half of working out and dieting. I'm beginning to lose the fat weight and gain muscle mass again. I am getting that V-shape once more and I like how my arms are looking. My chest is always slower to build but it'll come along soon enough.
I finished up with my abdominal routine and grabbed my stuff, said my good-byes to the staff and off I went back home. It was ever-so-slightly spritzing and I figured I wouldn't get caught in the rain if I walked at my usual pace. My thoughts ran to-and-fro, thinking of everything and nothing of consequence. I seriously lack focus (except for the gym) and my mental state couldn't follow any serious train of thought if I tried. I think that's why I feel the need to write in my journal again. It really helps me maintain a more coherent thought pattern.

Although I'm not sure if this entry is a testament to that.

I had gotten a voicemail from Alvin whilst I was working out, inviting me to dinner once again. I lied yesterday to get out of a dinner engagement with him so he wanted to reschedule for today. I simply turned off the phone this time. It's not that I don't want to go with Alvin to dinner, I just don't want to go off my diet. Going to dinner at a casino buffet is way too much temptation. And if I just eat salad, it would be an insult. I figure that being unreachable is the best way out of this.
I got home, dreading an encounter with one of Helene's projects but, luck be mine, no one was here. I put my gym gear away and made lunch and a protein shake. Right now, I only eat Greek yogurt for breakfast, a shake and something healthy for lunch and then a salad for dinner. It's helped me shed the pounds but I am damned hungry!
As for the "Helene's project" quote above (of which I am one), she has a habit of taking in strays and Claudia, the latest one, can usually be found sprawled on the couch, eating all the food, endlessly chain smoking and talking non-stop. She's harmless (as far as I know) but annoying as all hell. She lives in her car and Helene told her she can use the shower if she needs it. She took that as an open invitation to move in during the day. Today, though, she's a no-show and it makes me a very happy Mortimer. I figure she got her unemployment compensation and is now pissing it away at the casino.

I guess I'll venture back into Facebook and see what's going on there. Then maybe I'll finish one of the many journal drafts I have waiting for me (since I seem to be on a roll, writing wise).

Here We Go Again

I have a few drafts of journal entries waiting for me to get back to them covering a wide array of subjects that I know would be entertaining and informative to Cafe readers but I haven't had the will or drive to actually finish them. Yes, I'm being disingenuous by stating this and not putting my nose to the grindstone and finishing them but it's my journal and I can do as I please.

I have thrown myself back into the gym with pleasure and hope. The pleasure of working out again on a regular basis has been cathartic, I have missed going to the gym and just focusing on the task at hand and seeing the results. Yes, it's slow going and I have been away for so long (a year, at least) but the progress is measurable and it gratifies a little part of my ego that needs some serious stroking at the moment.
My life, both personally and professionally, is in shambles. I am living with my ex-mother-in-law, I am unemployed and my love life has dried up to a wasted husk of it's former self. Trying to save money on the pittance of my unemployment wage is laughable at best so my prospects of finding a home for myself is a future situation. Far into the future if things don't change. Don't get me wrong, Helene is a wonderful person and I really love her. She has always treated me like family and I genuinely feel like I am a part of her family, as dysfunctional as it may seem to outsiders. It works for us! My ex, Joe, and I are on great terms. I really like his boyfriend, Angel, and I have hung out with them not only in clubs but at his sister's home for the holidays. There are no awkward moments and it's nice to be among everyone, especially getting to see my former nieces and nephew now all grown up. I don't mind my living situation but it does lack a certain privacy that I miss. There's always people around and it can be a bit...distracting. And since I don't really have a room to myself, it's even harder to just go off on my own and do my hermit impression.
As for work, I am annoyed that I lost my job and I am still wondering exactly why I was fired. Yes, I know I can be a bit abrasive and unfeeling (I hear Miss Patti right now in my head calling me a Vulcan) but I don't think that's any reason to fire me! I was very good at my job and I (actually!) liked doing it. I know it's hard to believe but I really enjoyed my oh-so-brief foray into the floral industry. Who wouldathunk I had the floral design gay gene! I owe Becky many thanks for giving me a start and being infinitely patient and supremely generous with me. She allowed me to follow my own path and learn things on my own, guiding me here and there with her wisdom and knowledge. I really miss that time (although not the hellacious conditions of the shop when it was located on Ventnor Ave. in Atlantic City). I was saddened by Lee's decision to shut the shop permanently but heartened that Darlene decided to buy the business and move it to a better location. I was so looking forward to the first summer in our new spot, right on the border of Ventnor City and Margate City, a great location for a flower shop and I couldn't wait to learn more about the business. It's a shame that Darlene and I mixed like napalm and the Vietcong. I guess it was inevitable but I still lament that things ended they way they did. Especially with her screaming "Get the fuck out of here!" over and over again.

Not exactly the best ending possible.

I am lucky they extended my unemployment, though, and I have a few prospects for a job in the future. I may get a bartending gig at Bally's Beach Bar. Keep your fingers crossed. There's also the Red Ribbon Bingo gig, which pays as well and a few other drag engagements I have coming up next month. These little bits of income are a welcome relief! Helene has a way of making me spend money I don't have. If she keeps this up, I'll be paying off my debt well into the next century!

As for my love life, the less said, the better. Maybe once I get my physical area back into shape, the mental part will follow and I'll be in a position to jump back into the dating pool. I am seeing someone on occasion in Philadelphia (which is why I have been spending a little more time that usual up there) but I think he has a view of me that is a bit removed from the actual reality. He thinks I'm way younger than I am and doesn't know about the whole "drag" part of my life. And before anyone chimes in, I want to declare that I didn't realize all of this until it was much too late and now I feel a little trapped that he has developed the wrong impressions of me. It's hard to dispel someone of their illusions, especially when they benefit me so well. I'm now in the process of deciding if I should cool things off with him and let it go or disavow him of said illusions and see where that takes us.

Time will tell.

It's getting to be time for me to take my two mile hike down to the gym in Margate City so I'll end this entry here. And actually post it (what a novel concept). I've had the bug to write again so it may not be so long before you see another entry...