08 February 2011

First Posted 30 January 2008

I Can’t Sleep

Current mood:depressed

My dreams tossed me to and fro, it was as if the storm that blew in from the North outside my window caught me up in my ship of a bed and shook my masts and rocked my keel. It kept me awake throughout the night, alternating between strange dreams and nightmares that I could never recount here. They were of the stuff I would never tell a therapist, nor even myself, I hasten to forget them even as I write, they scared me in their debauchery, their sadism, their taboo.

My day has entered my night, my waking thoughts have impressed themselves on my sleeping mind. I fear my unconscious landscapes and I sit on my bed listening to the wind and rain beating on the windowpanes and I keep a light on, to scare away the nightmare that gallops through my dreams, to keep me awake, so I can't be taken away on the back of that hellish black horse to the dark lands I fear.

I have no purpose in this entry, it's just a means to while away the time until the time later, the time that isn't this particular time right now. To put some space between the now and the future now. I need to be there so here I write, passing the time until I am in the "now" I want to be in and not the "now" I am in at the moment.

That time is nearing; I can see the light of day, ever so slight, breaking under the clouds in the East. The sea outside my bedroom window is just slightly reflecting the coming dawn. Its light is weak, barely discernable; it will fight to take the day, through this mid-winter rainstorm that rages outside. The winds will blow later today, and help the weak winter sun shine down on my island but the chill those winds bring will bring a cold to my bones as I venture out across this barrier to the sea. A cold that matches my heart of late, a heart that has known no happiness since the warmth of last summer, in July, when I lost the warmth of my heart although the season was still summer, the trees were still green and love was something I knew.

I do not know that anymore.

I sit and write, in my room, whiling away the hour. I will venture out, toward the rising sun, through the wind and rain, to visit a friend at this early hour.

In my need to scare away the nightmares with the shining love of friendship

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