Little Jose and I never made it to Philadelphia. I had been up since six in the morning but he over slept and didn't get up until almost one in the afternoon. He was still game for taking Miss Patti and I around and about. Little did he know what he agreed to. Of course, I lectured her to make this as painless as possible, for several reasons. One: I hate children, babies and anything to do with them. This is not a new statement and send the hate mail to someone who cares. Two: I know her, give her an inch and she'll swim all over you. I told her to narrow the list to a few places, close together so we won't be doing this all bloody day. Three: Give her an inch and she'll swim all over you. Yes, I repeated this statement but this time it's in reference to spending my nonexistent funds. I had an extremely limited budget (like three dollars) and I really couldn't afford Miss Patti's extravagant tastes. Or mine, for that matter.
Of course, this is where I tell you that all of this went right down the crapper.
She did well, I must admit. The stores were all around the Hamilton Mall so, after eating and shopping at Hot Topic for this cute little The Nightmare Before Christmas baby jumper (did I just say a baby jumper was cute? Kill me!) we went on our hunt for supplies/decorations/food/presents. Several hundred hours later, and well into next week, we were finally done. I left a very bad impression at Babies "R" Us. something I am very proud of. As the new expecting couples were sitting there and Little Jose and Patti were getting the registry, I was chatting with Patti about my hatred of all age-challenged humans. The girl at the desk was horrified and I explained that if they aren't legal to drink, I would just rather not know them. Then I walked out. Only to walk back in and use the restroom (funny how the men's room was all the way to the side, and very small and unnoticeable). After arguing with Patti over EVERYTHING (my gods, sometimes I don't know how she EVER makes a bloody decision without first calling a committee meeting), we made our way to the liquor store and I purchased the ingredients for my WORLD FAMOUS CHOCOLATE MARTINIS (Stacy and Nettie, you missed the best batch, EVAH!).
We quickly ran to the club and I left Miss Patti there to decorate and I met up with La Chunk the Great and he, Jose and I made our way to Tiffany & Co. at The Pier. I loved walking in there, it's just...just...FABULOUS! I told the shop girl that I had rung up earlier inquiring about the baby spoons and she directed me to the case. I immediately saw the one I wanted.
It was just so beautiful. I chose the moon and stars because Johanna and I are creatures of the night.
Walking back through Caesars, I held the bag out, arm's length, to show off my purchase to anyone who passed by whilst explaining to Little Jose the cache of Tiffany's and it's effect on women. I put it this way: Dude, if I was Johanna's boyfriend and presented her with this little blue bag, I'd be getting the greatest sex I ever had!
It's crude but to the point. He understood immediately.
Hell, if somebody gave me a Tiffany's bag, I'd fuck them where they stood.
Anyway...I ran home, got changed, did the gym with Jose (I tortured him the whole time) and then packed a drag bag and went to work, wearing the tightest T-shirt I could find from Baby Gap to show off the new bod.
The rest of the night was a blur but, I remember giving Johanna the gift, separately, without an audience. I told her that I have lived a long time, I have made and lost some of the most beautiful people I have ever known and I told her about the moment that I considered her my friend, a moniker I do not give lightly. I told her that I knew at that moment that I loved her and we would be great friends forever after. I gave her the bag and she started crying. So did I. She opened it and I told her the significance of the moon and stars. She started crying again. So did I. She wants me to come with her to get it engraved so I can put something on there "in my own special way", as she put it.
Wiping the tears, we hugged and kissed and then I went back to get ready for the show. I do the sixties version of "Always Something There To Remind Me"-Sandie Shaw where, when it gets to that line, I open my fabulous black-velvet-with-pink-satin-interior coat to reveal the pregnant belly! Then, right before the last chorus, I run offstage and come back out with a house coat on, a shower cap and the baby wrapped in a blanket and finish the number. It's a cute bit and Johanna was screaming with laughter.
I don't remember much of the rest of the night, I had drank way too many WORLD FAMOUS CHOCOLATE MARTINIS. Cute moment number two, we put the chocolate martinis in baby bottles, they went over very well.
All in all, I think I threw one hell of a baby shower.
Many thanks to Little Jose for putting up with chauffeuring us all day.
All the love in the world for Miss Patti. Without her, I am nothing.
Johanna, I love you!