A Facebook Emotional Landmine

My Facebook post from one year ago, wasn't ready to ugly cry this morning: I wanted to thank all of you for your kind words and support. Losing my little buddy has been really hard and I don't think I could have handled it without the messages, comments, cards, and yes, the booze, that came pouring in. I am blessed with the most beautiful gift any human could have, friendship. And I love all of you so deeply.

My little guy was something special. Only a handful of you actually met him in person but, as my sister said, 'he was one of the most amazing cats ever'!

I want to give you one more Marmalade story, just because:

I was up early this morning and had breakfast and was thinking about going to the gym. But I was still a little hungover from the event last night. I decided to curl up in bed again, my empty bed, and I dozed off right away.

I started dreaming. I was on the bed, it was bright and sunny, the light was streaming in the windows to my bedroom and I was feeling the warmth in the room. Marmalade was next to me and I was talking to him and petting him, his fur was so soft and he was purring, looking at me like he always did when we snuggled. His eyes half shut the way they did when he was really content. But then I said, Wait... you died. You can't be here.

And with that, he disappeared.

Although it was only a dream, it was nice to be able to spend one more moment with him. To feel his fur, his warmth, his purring.

If any cat was going to haunt my dreams, it was going to be Marmalade!

Thank you all again for compassion and your love. It helps more than you know.

The Present World And My Possible Future

The war in Ukraine is still raging on, the videos and photos coming out of the country are heartbreaking. I fear it's going to get much, much worse before anything changes. What shocks me are all the different reports that the Ukrainian people seem to have been taken by surprise. Not many of them have prepared for an invasion, even with hundreds of thousands of Russian soldiers massed at their borders. I suppose I can understand, to a point, we haven't had a European conflict in many decades, and the thought of one seemed almost ludacris. The very fact that Putin has even considered doing this almost unfathomable. And yet, knowing that they were right on the border and weren't leaving would have caused me grave concern. I would have, at the very least, stockpiled food and maybe found a way to get a weapon for protection. 
I don't know. I can hardly imagine something like that happening. Living here in the United States has afforded me a very different outlook on things. Aside from 9/11, and the constant mass shootings all over the country, it's pretty stable here. I've never felt the fear of invasion and I don't know how I would react. 
Probably like those Ukrainians who couldn't conceive of something this terrible happening. 

Back to my back pain; it's not as bad but I am still having a hard time going from sitting to standing. The sitting position seems to lock up my muscles and nerves and when I go to stand, it takes a few minutes to walk without pain. I probably need surgery, I'm sure it's something fixable but that isn't going to happen anytime soon. It hasn't stopped me from going to the gym. My desire to look better is stronger than the pain in my lower back. I may take it easy today, I have to work tonight and being on my feet for so long doesn't do any good, either. 

I keep getting casting notices for productions in NYC and I am itching to go up and act again, but the covid-19 protocols would make it financially improbable for me to do it. The CDC has just issued new guidelines today about masking and such, I'm hoping that, by the time The Gilded Age resumes production, most of the restrictions will be lifted and I can just shoot up to film like I did for Boardwalk Empire and The Knick. My little stint in drag last October made me realize how much I miss performing.

I've never talked about this publicly before but, I'm having a hard time reading. The best way I can explain it is that I've developed a form of dyslexia, words jumble, letters go missing, it's damned frustrating. I don't know what to do about it, or even if it's fixable. I have been reading books since I was a small child, reading was what got me through a very troubled childhood of growing up gay and the painful divorce of my parents. I escaped into the worlds of science fiction and fantasy and now this simple but important pleasure is being robbed of me. I can read, but only for very short bursts. I have so many books waiting for me but they take forever to get through and I'm not retaining the info as well since I can only read small bits at a time. I'll have to research it although that requires... reading! 
And considering I've started practice writing again to maybe, finally, hopefully, write a book, this is going to be a very difficult process. 

I guess it's time to get something done.   

War Is Stupid

 What everyone knew and what was stupidly but seemingly inevitable, Russian 'President' Vladimir Putin has invaded Ukraine overnight and they are now at war. Predictably, the stock markets are plunging, non-military targets are getting hit, people are dying over there, hemming, hawing, and the far-Republican right is... cheering Russia on. Some of the stranger justifications; Russia only has two genders. The Russian army doesn't have sensitivity training. The gays! I'm not sure how they take these leaps from culture wars to actual geo-political warfare where people are dying because some old dude is sad the U.S.S.R. broke into smaller bits but the GOP/far right lost their minds a while ago so justifications are unnecessary and futile. 
My fear, although I may be sounding a bit like Chicken Little, is that this small regional war will somehow morph into the first global conflict of the new millennia. China, thankfully, seems to want to ignore what's going on, and our NATO allies are all aligned, it seems the only people happy this is happening is Putin, Fox News and the red half of the United States. 
In hindsight, assigning red to the political right was prescient. 

I managed to injure my back yesterday at the gym, and I knew right away that I shouldn't do the extra weight but I was feeling my oats and did it anyway. I managed to finish my workout but the pain is noticeable. I'm not completely disabled but don't ask me to pick anything up that I might drop on the floor. It'll either take a while or it'll just have to stay there. 
And yes, I'm still going to the gym today. Tomorrow is a wash-out for the most part so this is my only clear window the get another workout in. I'll rest tomorrow and hopefully be much better by Saturday for an early morning workout before work. Sadly, my little injury forced me to miss that little taste of spring we had yesterday, I pretty much stayed in bed chewing Advil. Meh, summer and the sweltering heat will be here soon enough. 

Joe cleaned the flat yesterday, so, of course, the landlord decided to fix/replace the back screen door. It needed to be done, and the repairman was very polite and efficient, he even fretted about Oliver getting out and running away. Joe reassured him that Oliver knows he's royalty in this house and will never leave willingly! I'm actually happy with the new door, it's got a replaceable screen for summer and he adjusted the closing mechanism to make sure it shuts completely every single time, no more wind gusts blowing it open and bending it our of frame. 
On a side note, I'm do happy the Joe is learning to use the Alexa dot in the kitchen. He's learned to play music and sometimes asks it questions. If you know Joe, you know what a big technological step this is for him. 

My cousin Dawn is in Florida visiting the parents, I had made tentative plans to join her but I'm too poor right now. I really need to find a little mid-week job, I miss having fun money. 

To whomever is reading my little blog, Thanks! and sorry for the drudgery. It'll get better, I promise. 

President's Day Weekend

Holiday weekends are fun, as long as you don't work in the industry. If all of you have off, all of us have to work that much harder!

The phenomenon of President's Day weekend began during my days at the Studio Six. The formerly sleepy little holiday began turning into a mid-winter party holiday that rivaled New Year's Eve and quickly became the better one, at least for nightclub staff. Where New Year's Eve is derisively known as 'amateur night', at least President's Day was full of your more regular club kids (meaning night club regulars, not the eighties definition) who knew how to handle their drugs and alcohol. Now it seems to have spilled over to day drinkers, at least as evidenced by this past weekend. Friday was not very busy but it gave us a chance to discuss plans for the following day, since we had ninety-six people on our reservations, a very high number for a place like the Distillery. That also meant that the walk-ins were going to be massive as well. 

Saturday didn't disappoint.

Right out of the gate, we were busy, with two large tour groups coming in and many other four-tops, around forty people sat in a matter of minutes. The tours give me a small window to breathe, since most of the people are there for the actual tour and I only have to make a handful of drinks right away, it's the end of the tour that I start getting slammed and once that happened, most of the rest of the day was a blur. Thankfully, my roommate (and ex) was there acting as my barback. I told everyone, he was there for me and me alone, I needed to know that all the other stuff was being done behind me so I can pump out the cocktails as quickly as possible. He kept the glasses clean, my bottles full, and general clean-up and it lowered my stress levels considerably. I don't think I could have done it without him there. Emily, our diva server and bartender in training, was also a godsend, she keeps a lid on things and everyone is a little afraid of her, which is (generally) good. Towards the end of the day, I did get to sit for a minute with some friends and chat, it was nice to take a little break right before we shut and started getting the bar ready for the next day. As you can see, I don't have much to say about the day as a whole, my total focus all day long was on making drinks, about two hundred and forty in all over the shift. On a side note, I giggled a little when our Little Water Distillery social media page shared all the people's Instagram photos of their drinks when they were there and I realized that I had made every single one of them. 

And they all looked perfect, if I do say so myself. It's nice to see the positive feedback, though, after such an intense but fun day. 
Sunday came and, although not as busy as the day before, it was far busier than most Sundays there. Without the extra staff on hand, and still a little exhausted from the day before, I was getting a little harried with having to clean glasses and do the set-ups, our drinks can get quite complicated so every little bit of help makes my job easier and more efficient. We strive to make sure each drink is handcrafted and fresh, no pre-made watered-down cocktails. I prefer it that way but it's unavoidably time consuming. Our regular guests know that going in, and we do remind everyone when we seat them, but the pressure is on me to make sure it's done as quickly as possible. Thankfully, all my decades of training at the Studio Six and elsewhere prepared me for high-volume bartending. We made it through and I was home before seven o'clock, which was a happy surprise.
And nothing makes the day fly by like being mad busy! 
I think I was dead asleep by eight thirty. 

All in all, it was a great weekend for the Distillery. The next big event is our fifth anniversary which, if it's anything like last year, will be a record breaking day! 

Nothing Of Consequence

The weekend is here, but today will be the last in the nice stretch of weather we've been enjoying. Tonight another cold front moves in bringing what will probably be the last arctic blast and appreciable snow for the season. Not sure what today will bring at work, last Saturday was mad busy. And last night was pretty good, not crazy but very steady. The night went fast. Haven't been to the gym in a few days, I may run down there quickly after writing this entry just to get a quick workout in. I don't want to go back down the path of being a lazy bitch.  

I'm listening to Madam Butterfly by Malcolm McLaren as I write this and it's bringing up memories of a past lifetime. It was always one of my most favourite numbers to perform. Sadly, I lost the beautiful costume Patti had made me. Drag seems to have come into a resurgence here in South Jersey, there are drag shows and events and brunches all over the place. Good for them, I'm happy in my retirement. 

Short entry, time to get my ass in gear. 

Boring, But That's February For You

Writing a little later than I wanted but I already forgot that I was supposed to devote a bit of my early morning routine to this little endeavor so... you get this now. 

Woke up after a rather good night's sleep. Recently I've been having some sleep issues, waking up after a few hours ready to start my day and then taking forever to get back to sleep. Or I'm overheated during the night and wake up in the middle of nightmares. Having a full night of slumber uninterrupted was a small blessing. 
My usual morning routine has become a little 'Groundhog's Day' in it's repetition, which is a little boring but it does strangely appeal to my German side. Having a routine is comforting in it's way. I suppose it's also an off-shoot on my OCD, doing things in a particular order over and over again means all is right with the world. And Oliver seems to like it, we have our little dance worked out, feeding him, then he sits in the window for about an hour, then it's petting time, then it's play time, then it's back to the window. Maybe I was a cat in a past life. 

I got to the gym early and it was already full of people I didn't recognize but they were obviously from the A.E.W. pro wrestling show that was being filmed later tonight in Atlantic City. Lots of tattoos, dyed hair, very well build bodies, it was a little intimidating trying to work out around them, I have to admit. And, truth be told, some of them were really nice to look at! I did manage to get a really good workout in, maybe having so many fit people around me made me push myself a little more. 

I was going to walk home on the Boardwalk but the winds had picked up from earlier and the breeze was coming right off the ocean making it seem much colder than it actually was so, I ducked back into the Tropicana to get back to Pacific Avenue and the Jitney stop, passing even more pro-wrestlers wandering all over the casino and hotel area. 

I have plans to attend the BeVisible function at Wingcraft tonight with Charity. BeVisible seems to have taken the torch from the former Greater Atlantic City GLBT Alliance, hosting monthly mixers and events. I haven't been to Wingcraft in a long time so I'm interested to return and see if it got any better. One of our many Food & Beverage directors at the Claridge had left the hotel to manage over there. I'm hoping to see him if he's still the manager. 

My mother and step-father played cards with some friends two days ago and were told yesterday that the other couple tested positive for Covid-19. I'm hoping they didn't contract the virus, and if they did, the booster shots will do their job and mitigate the symptoms. Most people who've had the booster report milder symptoms, more like a nuisance cold. On the other side of the family, my step-mother had hip replacement surgery last Friday and was in hospital for a few days with minor complications. She got home yesterday so I'm going to pop over to see her and make sure she's okay. 

Hoping to work back at Lucy the Elephant sooner rather than later, the gift shop should be opening longer hours soon and maybe I can get a few shifts. I love working there even if the pay is not really all that much. 

Promises Kept, Day One

 I said I was going to try to write a little each day, and here's my first entry. 

The cheeky part of me wanted to leave that last sentence there and go on about my day but my better nature won out. To continue...

It's an early February morning, the outside air warming up above the usual chilly averages. That's welcome news, my 1950's summer home isn't very well insulated and once it goes below 30 degrees outside, my baseboard heating can't keep up. It's not unusual for my roommate and I to be bundled up in hoodies and sweaters during the day indoors. I don't have much planned for today, poverty keeps your idle and humble. Aside from the gym, I might attempt to run a few errands in the city (bank, drug store, Lucy) and then see to getting these closets sorted out. Helene's clothing filling up all the usable space in the living room and hall closets are weighing on me like the overburdened racks her clothing is hanging on at the moment. A lot of my frustration is Joe's fickle moods, he'll talk a lot about what he wants to do but getting him motivated in that direction is the hard part. And right now, I need him to sort through all of Helene's bins of clothes that are stacked in his room so I can use them to thin out the closets. 
I seriously just want to bag it all up in a bin liner and leave it out for the garbage truck. Although I'd probably have to pay them to haul away everything, there's just so much of it! 

My gym progress has been hit-or-miss. I can't do a lot of exercises that I used to be able to do, even with those long-term pains from injuries long ago. Those nagging and painful reminders have become much more pronounced as I get older and there are some things I can't do anymore. It's frustrating, obviously, but I make do with what I can do and ignore all the things I find fault with. But I have to say, I'm surprised I look as good as I do, I didn't think I could bang myself into this sort of shape ever again. Hopefully, by summer, I'll be closer to where I see myself. 

Financially, things have been a little stressful. Losing my Lucy the Elephant tour guide job until probably June has put a burden on my checkbook. I have my usual savings that I count on during the leaner winter months but paying for the dryer repairs was not budgeted and I'm feeling a little panicky about how far I can stretch things. And I have to buy a 5G capable mobile before next month, another large expense I didn't plan for. I've been scouting around for another part-time job but I haven't found anything yet. Well, anything of my station, lol. I may be back to scrubbing toilets if things don't change soon. I did have a spectacular weekend at the Distillery, hopefully that trend will continue. 

Planning on attending the BeVisible LGBTQ soiree tomorrow night at Wingcraft, a local chain restaurant at The Walk in Atlantic City. It's one of those all-the-same-faces events but I feel like I've become too much of a hermit, socially, so I'm trying to get out more and cultivate new friends. And I did go on a 'date' a few weeks ago, although I'm not sure about that, I may be barking up the wrong tree. It's strange how I spent most of my life on stage performing and behind the bar performing, craving that attention from everyone and now all I want to do is grab my cat and watch the telly. It's crazy how one's priorities can change so radically. The very fact that I'm usually in bed by nine o'clock every night still shocks me. 

Let's see where the day takes me, I think this is a fair amount of writing for my first (official) day back to writing again. 

Fingers Crossed

 I'm going to attempt to revive this dusty old blog of mine, who knows if I'll keep up but I've had the urge to write again and I need to stretch this long dormant muscle. The daily posts will be dreadful to read but bear with me, I have some ideas (novel, short stories, essays) that I've wanted to finally get to now that I'm entering these 'silver' years. The gods know I've had stranger career changes in the past, who knows where this might lead. 
I do realize that no one will be reading this entry, and probably won't be reading those I post in the future, but for that hopeful stalwart that might be out there, this could be fun. 
Goals: 
1. Do a 'Tales of the City' style series about AC. 
2. Chronicle local events. 
3. Finally write that 'tell all' about the Studio Six. 

And other ideas that are knocking around this addled brain of mine. 

But first, I need to get back in the habit of writing. Maybe I'll do an hour each morning, just to start. A little mental exercise before hitting the gym. Let's see where this takes me...