Oops! I Did It Again! (R)

This is not a happy person.

Loss (R)

My good friend, Aigne Diamond, passed away after a lengthy illness.

She was one HELL of a performer. I recently watched some videos of her in our Miss'd America Pageant as well as a guest in my stage show, Mortimer's Cafe. She told me that she was so honoured to be invited to perform in my show, she didn't think she was good enough. Believe me, she's now among the angel's choir, showing them how it's done! She gave it all for the stage and she made me a better performer.

Rest in peace, Aigne. I will never forget you.

Clearing Up A Few Things

To my secret commenter, I have no pics of the Cherry Bar but, I will try to rectify that situation this weekend.
As for the Miss'd America Pageant, just click and you'll get the lo-down.
Sorry for not getting to these comments earlier, I didn't know that Blogger switched to Google and I had these things stored on the new site. All better now.

Afterbirth (R)

(Thanks for the title, Joey!)

Little Jose and I never made it to Philadelphia. I had been up since six in the morning but he over slept and didn't get up until almost one in the afternoon. He was still game for taking Miss Patti and I around and about. Little did he know what he agreed to. Of course, I lectured her to make this as painless as possible, for several reasons. One: I hate children, babies and anything to do with them. This is not a new statement and send the hate mail to someone who cares. Two: I know her, give her an inch and she'll swim all over you. I told her to narrow the list to a few places, close together so we won't be doing this all bloody day. Three: Give her an inch and she'll swim all over you. Yes, I repeated this statement but this time it's in reference to spending my nonexistent funds. I had an extremely limited budget (like three dollars) and I really couldn't afford Miss Patti's extravagant tastes. Or mine, for that matter.

Of course, this is where I tell you that all of this went right down the crapper.

She did well, I must admit. The stores were all around the Hamilton Mall so, after eating and shopping at Hot Topic for this cute little The Nightmare Before Christmas baby jumper (did I just say a baby jumper was cute? Kill me!) we went on our hunt for supplies/decorations/food/presents. Several hundred hours later, and well into next week, we were finally done. I left a very bad impression at Babies "R" Us. something I am very proud of. As the new expecting couples were sitting there and Little Jose and Patti were getting the registry, I was chatting with Patti about my hatred of all age-challenged humans. The girl at the desk was horrified and I explained that if they aren't legal to drink, I would just rather not know them. Then I walked out. Only to walk back in and use the restroom (funny how the men's room was all the way to the side, and very small and unnoticeable). After arguing with Patti over EVERYTHING (my gods, sometimes I don't know how she EVER makes a bloody decision without first calling a committee meeting), we made our way to the liquor store and I purchased the ingredients for my WORLD FAMOUS CHOCOLATE MARTINIS (Stacy and Nettie, you missed the best batch, EVAH!).

We quickly ran to the club and I left Miss Patti there to decorate and I met up with La Chunk the Great and he, Jose and I made our way to Tiffany & Co. at The Pier. I loved walking in there, it's just...just...FABULOUS! I told the shop girl that I had rung up earlier inquiring about the baby spoons and she directed me to the case. I immediately saw the one I wanted.

It was just so beautiful. I chose the moon and stars because Johanna and I are creatures of the night.

Walking back through Caesars, I held the bag out, arm's length, to show off my purchase to anyone who passed by whilst explaining to Little Jose the cache of Tiffany's and it's effect on women. I put it this way: Dude, if I was Johanna's boyfriend and presented her with this little blue bag, I'd be getting the greatest sex I ever had!

It's crude but to the point. He understood immediately.

Hell, if somebody gave me a Tiffany's bag, I'd fuck them where they stood.

Anyway...I ran home, got changed, did the gym with Jose (I tortured him the whole time) and then packed a drag bag and went to work, wearing the tightest T-shirt I could find from Baby Gap to show off the new bod.

The rest of the night was a blur but, I remember giving Johanna the gift, separately, without an audience. I told her that I have lived a long time, I have made and lost some of the most beautiful people I have ever known and I told her about the moment that I considered her my friend, a moniker I do not give lightly. I told her that I knew at that moment that I loved her and we would be great friends forever after. I gave her the bag and she started crying. So did I. She opened it and I told her the significance of the moon and stars. She started crying again. So did I. She wants me to come with her to get it engraved so I can put something on there "in my own special way", as she put it.

Wiping the tears, we hugged and kissed and then I went back to get ready for the show. I do the sixties version of "Always Something There To Remind Me"-Sandie Shaw where, when it gets to that line, I open my fabulous black-velvet-with-pink-satin-interior coat to reveal the pregnant belly! Then, right before the last chorus, I run offstage and come back out with a house coat on, a shower cap and the baby wrapped in a blanket and finish the number. It's a cute bit and Johanna was screaming with laughter.

I don't remember much of the rest of the night, I had drank way too many WORLD FAMOUS CHOCOLATE MARTINIS. Cute moment number two, we put the chocolate martinis in baby bottles, they went over very well.

All in all, I think I threw one hell of a baby shower.

Many thanks to Little Jose for putting up with chauffeuring us all day.

All the love in the world for Miss Patti. Without her, I am nothing.

Johanna, I love you!

My Day Today Or The Best Laid Plans (R)

I am up, again. I didn't sleep, again. No, not even pharmaceuticals are helping. I think it's just that my body is so geared for going to sleep now that I can't switch the gears and sleep at night. It is weird to go to bed at eleven p.m., I'm usually at work for an hour by then. Or, at least getting up to go to work, or out.

Little Jose and I worked out in his gym last night, it was freezing in there and it did not help the equipment. Even he needed help lifting the bench press and believe me, he's strong as an ox. I was looking at myself in the mirrors, luckily the outfit I am wearing tonight is going to cover most of my body (I am preggers in the number) because I no longer look like a svelte supermodel. I look like a male stripper. Not good when you are trying to do drag. I guess that part of my career is soon to be over.

Today he has to go to Philadelphia for green card issues and I might take the ride with him. Maybe, just maybe, I'll get a chance to see my Mother. Do you think she'll be available?

Neither do I!

Afterwards, he agreed to take Miss Patti and I around to get all the supplies for the baby shower tonight. Miss Patti and I are at odds, she is driving me mad with this "boyfriend" of hers and every time she rings with me with another complaint, I want to reach right through the phone and strangle her! Well...him. Now it's the car (or the bills, or the heat, or food, or...) and she was going to have to bus everywhere to get everything. Luckily, Little Jose has off and agreed to chauffeur us through South Jersey. What would have taken the entire day will now only take an hour or so.

I was chatting with La Chunk this morning and...well...I hate him because we talk shopping and I came up with a great idea. I want to get Johanna a silver spoon from Tiffany & Co. Yes, it's ridiculous, it's a waste, it's not practical.

It's perfect!

I know she's registered other places but, I want to give her that little blue box with a beautiful silver spoon for her baby. In addition, La Faboo is going to get for me a frame from the Discovery Channel Store that has a place for the footprints and a picture of the little imp, which I think is so sweet. Plus, he can work his employee discount and I won't be crying when he presents me with the bill.

I am going to be paying for all of this for a LONG time to come!

Wait...who the hell am I!? What have I done with Mortimer?!? Why I am shopping for BABY CRAP!!!

After that, I will be getting everything together (drag, supplies, baby crap) and then, off to work (FINALLY!) and the baby shower.

Now I can't wait to see how this day REALLY goes.

For La Sletje (R)

Came home from gym. Ate salad. Watched telly. Went to bed. Didn't sleep. Got up. Made coffee. Talked to you.

So there.

Or I could have written it like this...

The gym was quiet. One of the "resolution bunnies" (there are fewer and fewer) asked me if I worked at Deja Vu. After much discussion about the clubs in Atlantic City, we realized that I was his bartender at the strip club a while ago when he was there for a bachelor party. It was interesting to hear what happened afterwards, evidently I got the bachelor's father so drunk, he ended up getting on a bus and got off in Baltimore. He had no idea how it happened. He had no money to get home. My new "friend" also wanted to know if I get any action with the strippers. The dumb fuck. I guess he didn't smell the lavender when we were talking. I didn't correct him. It's just not worth the effort.

I realized that Chunkie needed a few things from the grocery store so I finished up my workout early, noting that I am actually getting bigger. Even Little Jose, whom I am envious of, remarked that he wants me to work out with him, I am getting too big and he's getting jealous. I ran through the Pathmark, trying to remember what he wanted, what I needed and quickly made my way to the self-serve check-out. I am becoming a master of this new fangled technology and I was able to get my change and make it outside to catch the bus home.

The blistering cold had descended on my fair little island and it seemed that no matter what direction I walked, Jack Frost blew his frigid breath right at me. The orange juice boxes, yogurt, bagels and whatnot did not help dangling from my arm, the plastic grocery bag making an infernal noise with all the wind.

I saw Chunkie walking down our wind tunnel street on his way to work, we mumbled quickly to each other, I didn't want to stop since I had just walked eight blocks in this island Antarctica.

Inside, I relit my candle on my shrine (just in case) and sat, watching...whatever on the television. I don't remember and I don't really care.

Dinner was salad and a protein shake with a delicious non-fat non-sugar yogurt for dessert. Yum. Not. I decided to go to bed, hoping, praying, that I will actually get some sleep. I walked almost ten miles during the day, fresh air, a great workout for almost an hour and I had been up since seven that morning, there's no way I couldn't sleep.

You'd think.

Even the pill (small, white, no idea) didn't help. It only put me out for two, maybe three hours and I was up again. Watching...whatever, I don't really care.

This morning was a study in boredom. Banging around the penthouse, actually considering cleaning the bathroom. The fridge. My room.

No. Don't wanna.

Miss Patti rings, she's becoming a bother. Now I am pissed off and that's not good when I am in this...mood. Now I have something to do but, it's not good. Now I can torture my best friend and that's not good.

I'll do it anyway.

Love. (R)

When we want to read of the deeds that are done for love, whither do we turn? To the murder column.
George Bernard Shaw

The only true love is love at first sight; second sight dispels it.
Israel Zangwill

Love is what happens to two people who don't know each other.
W. Somerset Maugham

Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve the continuation of the species.
W. Somerset Maugham

Many a man has fallen in love with someone in a light so dim he would not have chosen a suit by it.
Maurice Chevalier

Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.
Stephen Leacock

The delusion that one person differs from all others.
H. L. Mencken

What A Difference. (R)

Yesterday, massive storms moved through the midwest and ended up on our doorstep, along with and at the same time as the twenty other states that line the eastern seaboard. Massive. The snow started falling long before the Accu-forecasts and I was not happy. I trust my weather people. Especially the cute one on the local station I watch, loyally. I was dissappointed, once again. I sat watching the snow fall, looking quite beautiful through our new front windows, although I hate a lot of snow. I lit some candles and just enjoyed the winter scene. I get a phone call from Little Jose, he needs my help again with his English course at school. We set a time for mentoring and I take a nap, this is perfect sleeping weather. I wake up, unrested. I have been tossing and turning again, lately and my dreams are vivid and disturbing. I don't want to sleep anymore, I don't want to see what my mind conjures up when I am no longer in control.

As I get ready, he is out front, early. I quick throw on my workout clothes, I figured I'd get him to drive me to the gym on his way back to evening classes. We read the essays and discuss the questions. I am not happy with his teacher for grading him so badly on his last test. The questions demand a subjective answer, how can one's opinion be wrong. I also think he's a bit out of his element. English is not his native language, no matter how quickly he has learned and grasped our tongue and the essays are a bit wordy even for me. And I have been known to enjoy a dry, dusty tome or two in my day. We finish up and make our way out of his building, only to slip and slid, grabbing each other to keep balance. The sidewalk, the street, the car is covered in a layer of ice. The snow had long ago stopped, turned to rain but now, with the coming dark, all that water is freezing.

He got me to the gym without accident and sped off. I rang him and told him that he wasn't funny. As I worked out, he rings me back from the school, class was canceled and he passed several bad accidents along the way. He offers to come collect me and I accept. I finished up my workout and went to the grocery store to pick up a few things.

Back home, I listen as the storm intensifies and becomes a nor'easter, blowing the rain up against those same new windows with a certain violence known only to those who live along the ocean.

Chunkie and I sit and watch telly and then we wander off to our bedrooms, to get warm and snug under the covers of our respective beds.

My dreams, once again, keep me from any true rest.

I wake to change. The weather turns on a dime, the rains stop mid-morning and Chunkie and I decide on brunch at our favourite haunt, Brittany's Cafe. It was actually rather nice on our way there. By the time we were done, the walk home was a different story. The temperatures fell ten degrees and we made our way quickly back to our flat. We did our usual chores and Chunkie decided on a nap. I, feeling restless, made an entry on the computer and made the decision to walk down to the club and pick up my check. By now, the sun was shining and it looked simply spectacular outside.

The winds were blowing but, the temperature was manageable and I took my route down the boardwalk, as I am usually wont to do. I marvel at the low-level clouds as they are blowing out to sea like an armada of ships, sailing with haste to free the fair Helen from the clutches of Paris in ancient Troy. The sea, the mighty Atlantic, is churning with a violence all it's own. The waves, huge and cresting farther out than normal, the spray of salt and water filling the air, the foam gathering along the shore line. This, my friends, is why I live here, to witness the power of Mother Nature in her tempest glory, as land, air and sea meet and do battle.

I breathe the cleansed air and let the chill winds play across my face as I watch from the safe confines of the boardwalk. I notice, several times, that I am the only one out there, for at least a mile. I think to myself that yes, I am all alone on Valentine's Day. Alone, on the boardwalk, under the blue skies, in bustling Atlantic City. Alone.

After picking up my check and saying hullo to everyone there, I start my walk home and what a difference, once more the weather turned on a dime and now, the sky is stone grey, where just minutes ago it was blue and bright, the rain is slight but stinging, as the breeze that was so temperate before is now battering me with it's small pinprick droplets. I still face the weather and walk all the way home, through the city, this time, letting the buildings and over-head walkways shield me as much as they could.

Time to get ready, the gym is calling me. And the skies are once more blue.

What a difference, indeed.

King Tut! (R)

Miss Patti and I were up at the crack of dawn and made our way to Philadelphia. The train was lovely, PATCO was clean and efficient as usual. We got off at 16th and Locust and WHAM! ICE AGE!

Wow, it was muthabloodyhumper cold in the city of brotherly love.

We wandered like the march of the penguins to our friend Charles' new salon and warmed up there and caught up on each other's lives. I rang my Mother (who was unavailable, as usual) and my sister. Patti and I braved the arctic and walked over to see her at her preschool, which is located in a church. We met the other teachers and the kids, they were all so cute. It was nap time but, they were all staring at me, like the kids in the Village of the Damned.

We said our good-byes and then made the trek through the artic tundra that was center city down to the Franklin Institute. Actually, it wasn't so bad in the direct sun but, being in a city with tall buildings, direct sun was hard to come by. We took pictures outside and then made our way in.

We had time before our tour started so we did the rest of the Institute, trying unsuccessfully to dodge the kids running helter skelter under our feet. All the sudden, it was time and we were queued up.

The exhibit was breathtaking. It starts with the Dynasties before Tut and the last five rooms are artifacts from his tomb. The coffin for his mother was amazing. The detail, the inlays, the carvings and the gold. "Everywhere the glint of gold", as Howard Carter was quoted as saying. And it was too true. The small figurines were what I found most beautiful. They were in every medium from wood to copper to alabaster and stone. Beautiful colours and etchings, to think they survived 3500 years in such pristine condition is astounding.

We finished up and then La Chunk came to fetch us, since he had to drop his brother off at the airport in the afternoon. We visited Sandy Beach at the 12th Air Command and then made the voyage home.

King Tutankhamun, to say your name is to give you life.

Small payment for allowing us to view such gifts as yours. May you find peace in the afterlife.