17 July 2011

An Open Letter To The Shoobies

Dear Tourist,

I wanted to take a moment out of my busy day to thank you for all you have done for our little island and the communities here during the time from Memorial Day through Labor Day. The holidays and the summer season bring much joy to the businesses that thrive on your tourist dollar each and every year. And although my personal business does not, directly, depend upon these visits, I can't help but be appreciative of your financial contribution and close company that summer brings. For example, I was so happy to find the empty beer cans on my front lawn at the beginning of the summer when I went to get my morning newspaper. Seeing them crunched and twisted on my well manicured grass meant that the local liquor store made a profit on the alcohol you bought there. Then there was the water bottle full of urine I saw next to a parked car on a side street. That proved to me that you ate at one of our fine restaurants located here on Absecon Island and the wine probably went right through you. I also must applaud your attempts on my life as I try to cross the streets and you refuse to follow the traffic laws of New Jersey, that could only mean that you want to make sure our hospitals and police forces are doing their jobs and that they have plenty of business during what could be a slow summer season. And those colorful words you shout out in greeting as you slam on your breaks just inches away add to my already considerable vocabulary. And I do enjoy your persistent use of the actual streets to take a nice walk in the summer sun. That way, the sidewalks that cover the island from end to end can be utilized exclusively for the locals to get to their tourism industry jobs in order to serve you better. But let me add, when you do actually venture on the sidewalks, I appreciate you walking four abreast and forgetting all common courtesy, forcing me trudge over a neighbor's lawn to get around you and to my destination. That way the local gardeners have plenty to do repairing the damage done by all the foot traffic. I can only assume that the salt air and the freedom of vacation are playing havoc on your, otherwise, good manners and force you to forget them. Speaking of that, our local repair shops are overjoyed at the minor fender-benders that you cause when you playfully disregard the traffic laws of our state and drive as if you are the only one on the road.

In closing, I think I speak for all of us here at the shore when I say a hearty "Thank you!" for another fine summer full of shoobies... err... tourists who make these three months of hell... err... fun worth the nine months of peace and quiet and cleanliness when you depart.

See you next year!

Most Sincerely,

Mortimer

1 comment: