NJLB...I Mean...ABC Survey (R)

[A]
Are you available?: Why yes, I am. Who's askin'?

What is your age?: Twenty-nine
What annoys you?: Currently, my computer, it keeps throwing me off of MSN and AOL.

[B]
Do you know anyone named Billy?: Yes, my former manager who may rot in the hellish cesspool of his own puss!
When is your birthday?: 15 May
Who is your best friend?: Miss Patti is the bestest and longest.

[C]
Do you have a cell phone?: Yes. Nextel sucks!
What's your favorite candy?: M&M's are the best!
Do you have a crush?: Yes. It's not whom you'd think!

[D]
Do you daydream?: Yes, a lot.

What's your favorite kind of dog?: Well, I am partial to English Bulldogs. They rock! But, it has to be a dog, not a barking rat.
What day of the week is it?: Tuesday. All day.

[E]
How do you like your eggs?: I love them over easy, like me, with a little hot sauce, like me.

Have you ever been in the emergency room?: Yes, for numerous friends. They are accident prone.

[F]
Ever flown in a plane?: Many times, thanks to my great friend La Chunk who gets me going places!
Do you use fly swatters?: Not many flies on Absecon Island, actually.

Have you ever used a foghorn?: No. Not yet.
What's your favorite class?: Art. I excelled at art.

[G]
Do you wear g strings: When I am stripping!
Do you chew gum?: See last survey.

Are you a giver or a taker?: I love to give of myself.

Have you been go-karting?: Yes, actually.

[H]
How are you?: Fabulous, just ask anyone!
What's your height?: 6'1''
What color is your hair?: Today, my natural colour of dark red.

What's the hardest thing to do?: Walk and chew gum. Fly without wings. Kiss your elbow. Wash blood out of linen.

[I]
What's your favourite ice cream?: Ben & Jerry's Two Twisted
What's your best imitation of?: I do a fabulous Boy George and Barbra Striesand!
Have you ever ice skated?: Nope, thank the gods!

[J]
Do you wear jewelry?: Depends on the event. I always have on my star ring that Michael gave me. Never took it off since he gave it to me.
Do you like jumping jacks?: O.K. This is bloody stupid!
Have you ever been to Jamaica?: No. Bahamas.

[K]
Who do you want to kill?: ...and the list goes on...
Do you want kids?: As the main course, of course!
Where did you have kindergarten?: Bellmawr Park in Bellmawr, New Jersey and my teacher's name was Mrs. Vernon. I loved her to pieces!

[L]
Are you in love?: Yes.
Are you laid back?: I am easily amused.
Do you lie?: Like a rug!

[M]
What's your favorite movie?: SW:IV:A New Hope.
Do you still watch Disney movies?: Yes! I love, love, love The Little Mermaid.

Do you like mangos?: I love the Mango!

[N]
Do you have a nickname?: Yes. Several.
Whats your favourite number?: "Three, it's a magic number, yes it is, it's a magic number, somewhere in the ancient holy trinity, you'll find three, it's a magic number". Thank you, Schoolhouse Rock.

Do you prefer night over day?: NIGHT! ALWAYS THE NIGHT. THE SUN, IT HURTS!

[O]
What's your one wish?: A cure for A.I.D.S.
Are you an only child?: Nope, I have a younger sister.

[P]
What one fear are you most paranoid about?: That they are out to get me.

Have you ever been paintballing?: No, damn!

[Q]
Are you quick to judge people?: Yes. It's the gaydar, can't help it.

[R]
Do you think you're always right?: I know that I am always right.
Do you watch reality tv?: Used to. My life is more interesting.
What's a good reason to cry?: I have cried a lifetime but, when the vodka runs out, that's the best reason to shed tears!

[S]
Do you prefer sun or rain?: I like a rainy day.
Do you like snow?: Bite me.
What's your favourite season?: Autumn.
Do you play soccer?: No. Why?

[T]
What time is it?:

It is currently 1:34pm EST
What time did you wake up?: I haven't been sleeping much, lately but, I believe I offically got up today at 7:30am EST.
When was the last time you slept in a tent?: I could get real nasty here but, I won't. Never.

[U]
Can you ride a unicycle?: No. What? No.
Do you use an umbrella?: Try to, the Atlantic City winds usually make that an impossible feat.

[V]
What's the worst veggie?: There are no bad vegetables.
Where do you want to go on vacation?: I want to go to Cornwall, England and frolic on the beach with Miss Carberry!

[W]
What's your worst habit?: Grinding my teeth.
Where do you live?: The great state of New Jersey! Now serving civil unions!

[X]
Have you ever had an x-ray?: Many.
Have you seen the x-games?: No. Why? No.
Do you own a xylophone?: I did, as a child.

[Y]
Do you like the color yellow?: Why not, it's never done a thing to me.
What year were you born in?: 1978.

[Z]
Do you believe in the zodiac?: The one on MSN is usually accurate but in reality, no.
What's your favorite zoo animal?: The great apes. They are fascinating to watch.

Joke Of The Day (R)

A woman from Atlantic City and another woman were seated side-by-side on an airplane. The woman from Atlantic City, being friendly and all, said:

"So, where are you from?"

The other woman said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The woman from Atlantic City sat quietly for a moment and then replied:

"So, where are you from, bitch?"

Eye Chart (R)

Delio came to get me, finally, and off we went to my eye appointment. Once again, the little speed demon had me white-knuckling it. All during the ride, he was on my case, being a smart-ass and getting on my nerves. He knows how to push my buttons. Luckily for him, I was dependent on his chariot services so, I couldn't really fight back, which he knew and took to full advantage. I don't blame him, I give it to him on a regular basis. Actually, every chance I get.

I walk in, fill out the forms and then I'm brought back by the assistant to have usual tests and things they give you, like that annoying air-puff test that always makes me jump. Come to find out, her best friend is a regular at our club so, we chatted about the nightlife and crackheads.

The doctor saw me right away.

You know your eyes are bad when the doctor makes fun of your vision. He did the usual "this one or this one?" and "is this clearer or this one?". Of course, Delio sends me a smart-ass text message right in the middle of my exam. Mi nino malo! The doctor recommended that I get the disposable contacts instead of the daily wear because, and get this, my vision is so bad my contacts will be too thick to allow oxygen get into my eyes. TOO THICK CONTACTS! Now, that's bad.

Hell, if you're gonna do something, do it right, right?

The other problem with my prescription is, they don't carry them in stock at that strength. They have to be special made so, I have to wait until Friday to get them. The doctor was trying to talk me into purchasing glasses but, I told him no way, I'll wear the ripped contact, thank you. I figured he would have told me that my cornea was scratched from wearing it and he didn't so, I must be ok for now.

Paid the receptionist and then we made our way home, once again, mi nino malo making fun of me the whole ride. Funny though how, when we got within the Atlantic City limits, he clammed up and was sweet as pie.

Smart kid. He was about to get a pounding.

Work this weekend was abominable.

I HATE WINTER AND MAKING NO MONEY!

But, at least I met someone. Maybe things are changing.

Doing My Part (R)

O.K. I don't want to jinx this but, well...now that I think about it...well...anyway...ok...let me just spill the beans.

There is a singing/dancing troupe in town at the Tropicana from the show Best of Broadway and they have been coming to the club for the past month or so since they've been here. They are mostly Canadian, from Toronto. The thing is, one of them is just too cute and I finally got up the nerve to...well..."make my move" as they say. We kissed a little, we talked a little, we flirted ALOT. He's the only one from Quebec City (I didn't tell him about my intense hatred for all things French-Canadian. Then again, his tongue was down my throat) but, his lineage is from Sweden and he looks it. Shoulder length blonde hair and those angled Nordic good looks. He's also very bendable, being a dancer. Ahem.

NOTE: As I am writing this entry, he just logged in on MSN Messenger and we are chatting!

He's in the middle of his afternoon show and he had to go back onstage.

To continue, we chatted and flirted, I am going to see the show on Tuesday, I hear it's great. Oh, and I may see him TONIGHT!

The little problem is...HE IS LEAVING MARCH 1st! Just my rotten luck.

Anyway, I think, in the spirit of international relations and civic responsibility, I have to show him the true American way and Atlantic City hospitality and give him a send off that will set a positive tone for when he returns home! Don't you?

You'll be the first to know.

Oops! I Did It Again! (R)

This is not a happy person.

Loss (R)

My good friend, Aigne Diamond, passed away after a lengthy illness.

She was one HELL of a performer. I recently watched some videos of her in our Miss'd America Pageant as well as a guest in my stage show, Mortimer's Cafe. She told me that she was so honoured to be invited to perform in my show, she didn't think she was good enough. Believe me, she's now among the angel's choir, showing them how it's done! She gave it all for the stage and she made me a better performer.

Rest in peace, Aigne. I will never forget you.

Clearing Up A Few Things

To my secret commenter, I have no pics of the Cherry Bar but, I will try to rectify that situation this weekend.
As for the Miss'd America Pageant, just click and you'll get the lo-down.
Sorry for not getting to these comments earlier, I didn't know that Blogger switched to Google and I had these things stored on the new site. All better now.

Afterbirth (R)

(Thanks for the title, Joey!)

Little Jose and I never made it to Philadelphia. I had been up since six in the morning but he over slept and didn't get up until almost one in the afternoon. He was still game for taking Miss Patti and I around and about. Little did he know what he agreed to. Of course, I lectured her to make this as painless as possible, for several reasons. One: I hate children, babies and anything to do with them. This is not a new statement and send the hate mail to someone who cares. Two: I know her, give her an inch and she'll swim all over you. I told her to narrow the list to a few places, close together so we won't be doing this all bloody day. Three: Give her an inch and she'll swim all over you. Yes, I repeated this statement but this time it's in reference to spending my nonexistent funds. I had an extremely limited budget (like three dollars) and I really couldn't afford Miss Patti's extravagant tastes. Or mine, for that matter.

Of course, this is where I tell you that all of this went right down the crapper.

She did well, I must admit. The stores were all around the Hamilton Mall so, after eating and shopping at Hot Topic for this cute little The Nightmare Before Christmas baby jumper (did I just say a baby jumper was cute? Kill me!) we went on our hunt for supplies/decorations/food/presents. Several hundred hours later, and well into next week, we were finally done. I left a very bad impression at Babies "R" Us. something I am very proud of. As the new expecting couples were sitting there and Little Jose and Patti were getting the registry, I was chatting with Patti about my hatred of all age-challenged humans. The girl at the desk was horrified and I explained that if they aren't legal to drink, I would just rather not know them. Then I walked out. Only to walk back in and use the restroom (funny how the men's room was all the way to the side, and very small and unnoticeable). After arguing with Patti over EVERYTHING (my gods, sometimes I don't know how she EVER makes a bloody decision without first calling a committee meeting), we made our way to the liquor store and I purchased the ingredients for my WORLD FAMOUS CHOCOLATE MARTINIS (Stacy and Nettie, you missed the best batch, EVAH!).

We quickly ran to the club and I left Miss Patti there to decorate and I met up with La Chunk the Great and he, Jose and I made our way to Tiffany & Co. at The Pier. I loved walking in there, it's just...just...FABULOUS! I told the shop girl that I had rung up earlier inquiring about the baby spoons and she directed me to the case. I immediately saw the one I wanted.

It was just so beautiful. I chose the moon and stars because Johanna and I are creatures of the night.

Walking back through Caesars, I held the bag out, arm's length, to show off my purchase to anyone who passed by whilst explaining to Little Jose the cache of Tiffany's and it's effect on women. I put it this way: Dude, if I was Johanna's boyfriend and presented her with this little blue bag, I'd be getting the greatest sex I ever had!

It's crude but to the point. He understood immediately.

Hell, if somebody gave me a Tiffany's bag, I'd fuck them where they stood.

Anyway...I ran home, got changed, did the gym with Jose (I tortured him the whole time) and then packed a drag bag and went to work, wearing the tightest T-shirt I could find from Baby Gap to show off the new bod.

The rest of the night was a blur but, I remember giving Johanna the gift, separately, without an audience. I told her that I have lived a long time, I have made and lost some of the most beautiful people I have ever known and I told her about the moment that I considered her my friend, a moniker I do not give lightly. I told her that I knew at that moment that I loved her and we would be great friends forever after. I gave her the bag and she started crying. So did I. She opened it and I told her the significance of the moon and stars. She started crying again. So did I. She wants me to come with her to get it engraved so I can put something on there "in my own special way", as she put it.

Wiping the tears, we hugged and kissed and then I went back to get ready for the show. I do the sixties version of "Always Something There To Remind Me"-Sandie Shaw where, when it gets to that line, I open my fabulous black-velvet-with-pink-satin-interior coat to reveal the pregnant belly! Then, right before the last chorus, I run offstage and come back out with a house coat on, a shower cap and the baby wrapped in a blanket and finish the number. It's a cute bit and Johanna was screaming with laughter.

I don't remember much of the rest of the night, I had drank way too many WORLD FAMOUS CHOCOLATE MARTINIS. Cute moment number two, we put the chocolate martinis in baby bottles, they went over very well.

All in all, I think I threw one hell of a baby shower.

Many thanks to Little Jose for putting up with chauffeuring us all day.

All the love in the world for Miss Patti. Without her, I am nothing.

Johanna, I love you!

My Day Today Or The Best Laid Plans (R)

I am up, again. I didn't sleep, again. No, not even pharmaceuticals are helping. I think it's just that my body is so geared for going to sleep now that I can't switch the gears and sleep at night. It is weird to go to bed at eleven p.m., I'm usually at work for an hour by then. Or, at least getting up to go to work, or out.

Little Jose and I worked out in his gym last night, it was freezing in there and it did not help the equipment. Even he needed help lifting the bench press and believe me, he's strong as an ox. I was looking at myself in the mirrors, luckily the outfit I am wearing tonight is going to cover most of my body (I am preggers in the number) because I no longer look like a svelte supermodel. I look like a male stripper. Not good when you are trying to do drag. I guess that part of my career is soon to be over.

Today he has to go to Philadelphia for green card issues and I might take the ride with him. Maybe, just maybe, I'll get a chance to see my Mother. Do you think she'll be available?

Neither do I!

Afterwards, he agreed to take Miss Patti and I around to get all the supplies for the baby shower tonight. Miss Patti and I are at odds, she is driving me mad with this "boyfriend" of hers and every time she rings with me with another complaint, I want to reach right through the phone and strangle her! Well...him. Now it's the car (or the bills, or the heat, or food, or...) and she was going to have to bus everywhere to get everything. Luckily, Little Jose has off and agreed to chauffeur us through South Jersey. What would have taken the entire day will now only take an hour or so.

I was chatting with La Chunk this morning and...well...I hate him because we talk shopping and I came up with a great idea. I want to get Johanna a silver spoon from Tiffany & Co. Yes, it's ridiculous, it's a waste, it's not practical.

It's perfect!

I know she's registered other places but, I want to give her that little blue box with a beautiful silver spoon for her baby. In addition, La Faboo is going to get for me a frame from the Discovery Channel Store that has a place for the footprints and a picture of the little imp, which I think is so sweet. Plus, he can work his employee discount and I won't be crying when he presents me with the bill.

I am going to be paying for all of this for a LONG time to come!

Wait...who the hell am I!? What have I done with Mortimer?!? Why I am shopping for BABY CRAP!!!

After that, I will be getting everything together (drag, supplies, baby crap) and then, off to work (FINALLY!) and the baby shower.

Now I can't wait to see how this day REALLY goes.

For La Sletje (R)

Came home from gym. Ate salad. Watched telly. Went to bed. Didn't sleep. Got up. Made coffee. Talked to you.

So there.

Or I could have written it like this...

The gym was quiet. One of the "resolution bunnies" (there are fewer and fewer) asked me if I worked at Deja Vu. After much discussion about the clubs in Atlantic City, we realized that I was his bartender at the strip club a while ago when he was there for a bachelor party. It was interesting to hear what happened afterwards, evidently I got the bachelor's father so drunk, he ended up getting on a bus and got off in Baltimore. He had no idea how it happened. He had no money to get home. My new "friend" also wanted to know if I get any action with the strippers. The dumb fuck. I guess he didn't smell the lavender when we were talking. I didn't correct him. It's just not worth the effort.

I realized that Chunkie needed a few things from the grocery store so I finished up my workout early, noting that I am actually getting bigger. Even Little Jose, whom I am envious of, remarked that he wants me to work out with him, I am getting too big and he's getting jealous. I ran through the Pathmark, trying to remember what he wanted, what I needed and quickly made my way to the self-serve check-out. I am becoming a master of this new fangled technology and I was able to get my change and make it outside to catch the bus home.

The blistering cold had descended on my fair little island and it seemed that no matter what direction I walked, Jack Frost blew his frigid breath right at me. The orange juice boxes, yogurt, bagels and whatnot did not help dangling from my arm, the plastic grocery bag making an infernal noise with all the wind.

I saw Chunkie walking down our wind tunnel street on his way to work, we mumbled quickly to each other, I didn't want to stop since I had just walked eight blocks in this island Antarctica.

Inside, I relit my candle on my shrine (just in case) and sat, watching...whatever on the television. I don't remember and I don't really care.

Dinner was salad and a protein shake with a delicious non-fat non-sugar yogurt for dessert. Yum. Not. I decided to go to bed, hoping, praying, that I will actually get some sleep. I walked almost ten miles during the day, fresh air, a great workout for almost an hour and I had been up since seven that morning, there's no way I couldn't sleep.

You'd think.

Even the pill (small, white, no idea) didn't help. It only put me out for two, maybe three hours and I was up again. Watching...whatever, I don't really care.

This morning was a study in boredom. Banging around the penthouse, actually considering cleaning the bathroom. The fridge. My room.

No. Don't wanna.

Miss Patti rings, she's becoming a bother. Now I am pissed off and that's not good when I am in this...mood. Now I have something to do but, it's not good. Now I can torture my best friend and that's not good.

I'll do it anyway.

Love. (R)

When we want to read of the deeds that are done for love, whither do we turn? To the murder column.
George Bernard Shaw

The only true love is love at first sight; second sight dispels it.
Israel Zangwill

Love is what happens to two people who don't know each other.
W. Somerset Maugham

Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve the continuation of the species.
W. Somerset Maugham

Many a man has fallen in love with someone in a light so dim he would not have chosen a suit by it.
Maurice Chevalier

Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.
Stephen Leacock

The delusion that one person differs from all others.
H. L. Mencken

What A Difference. (R)

Yesterday, massive storms moved through the midwest and ended up on our doorstep, along with and at the same time as the twenty other states that line the eastern seaboard. Massive. The snow started falling long before the Accu-forecasts and I was not happy. I trust my weather people. Especially the cute one on the local station I watch, loyally. I was dissappointed, once again. I sat watching the snow fall, looking quite beautiful through our new front windows, although I hate a lot of snow. I lit some candles and just enjoyed the winter scene. I get a phone call from Little Jose, he needs my help again with his English course at school. We set a time for mentoring and I take a nap, this is perfect sleeping weather. I wake up, unrested. I have been tossing and turning again, lately and my dreams are vivid and disturbing. I don't want to sleep anymore, I don't want to see what my mind conjures up when I am no longer in control.

As I get ready, he is out front, early. I quick throw on my workout clothes, I figured I'd get him to drive me to the gym on his way back to evening classes. We read the essays and discuss the questions. I am not happy with his teacher for grading him so badly on his last test. The questions demand a subjective answer, how can one's opinion be wrong. I also think he's a bit out of his element. English is not his native language, no matter how quickly he has learned and grasped our tongue and the essays are a bit wordy even for me. And I have been known to enjoy a dry, dusty tome or two in my day. We finish up and make our way out of his building, only to slip and slid, grabbing each other to keep balance. The sidewalk, the street, the car is covered in a layer of ice. The snow had long ago stopped, turned to rain but now, with the coming dark, all that water is freezing.

He got me to the gym without accident and sped off. I rang him and told him that he wasn't funny. As I worked out, he rings me back from the school, class was canceled and he passed several bad accidents along the way. He offers to come collect me and I accept. I finished up my workout and went to the grocery store to pick up a few things.

Back home, I listen as the storm intensifies and becomes a nor'easter, blowing the rain up against those same new windows with a certain violence known only to those who live along the ocean.

Chunkie and I sit and watch telly and then we wander off to our bedrooms, to get warm and snug under the covers of our respective beds.

My dreams, once again, keep me from any true rest.

I wake to change. The weather turns on a dime, the rains stop mid-morning and Chunkie and I decide on brunch at our favourite haunt, Brittany's Cafe. It was actually rather nice on our way there. By the time we were done, the walk home was a different story. The temperatures fell ten degrees and we made our way quickly back to our flat. We did our usual chores and Chunkie decided on a nap. I, feeling restless, made an entry on the computer and made the decision to walk down to the club and pick up my check. By now, the sun was shining and it looked simply spectacular outside.

The winds were blowing but, the temperature was manageable and I took my route down the boardwalk, as I am usually wont to do. I marvel at the low-level clouds as they are blowing out to sea like an armada of ships, sailing with haste to free the fair Helen from the clutches of Paris in ancient Troy. The sea, the mighty Atlantic, is churning with a violence all it's own. The waves, huge and cresting farther out than normal, the spray of salt and water filling the air, the foam gathering along the shore line. This, my friends, is why I live here, to witness the power of Mother Nature in her tempest glory, as land, air and sea meet and do battle.

I breathe the cleansed air and let the chill winds play across my face as I watch from the safe confines of the boardwalk. I notice, several times, that I am the only one out there, for at least a mile. I think to myself that yes, I am all alone on Valentine's Day. Alone, on the boardwalk, under the blue skies, in bustling Atlantic City. Alone.

After picking up my check and saying hullo to everyone there, I start my walk home and what a difference, once more the weather turned on a dime and now, the sky is stone grey, where just minutes ago it was blue and bright, the rain is slight but stinging, as the breeze that was so temperate before is now battering me with it's small pinprick droplets. I still face the weather and walk all the way home, through the city, this time, letting the buildings and over-head walkways shield me as much as they could.

Time to get ready, the gym is calling me. And the skies are once more blue.

What a difference, indeed.

King Tut! (R)

Miss Patti and I were up at the crack of dawn and made our way to Philadelphia. The train was lovely, PATCO was clean and efficient as usual. We got off at 16th and Locust and WHAM! ICE AGE!

Wow, it was muthabloodyhumper cold in the city of brotherly love.

We wandered like the march of the penguins to our friend Charles' new salon and warmed up there and caught up on each other's lives. I rang my Mother (who was unavailable, as usual) and my sister. Patti and I braved the arctic and walked over to see her at her preschool, which is located in a church. We met the other teachers and the kids, they were all so cute. It was nap time but, they were all staring at me, like the kids in the Village of the Damned.

We said our good-byes and then made the trek through the artic tundra that was center city down to the Franklin Institute. Actually, it wasn't so bad in the direct sun but, being in a city with tall buildings, direct sun was hard to come by. We took pictures outside and then made our way in.

We had time before our tour started so we did the rest of the Institute, trying unsuccessfully to dodge the kids running helter skelter under our feet. All the sudden, it was time and we were queued up.

The exhibit was breathtaking. It starts with the Dynasties before Tut and the last five rooms are artifacts from his tomb. The coffin for his mother was amazing. The detail, the inlays, the carvings and the gold. "Everywhere the glint of gold", as Howard Carter was quoted as saying. And it was too true. The small figurines were what I found most beautiful. They were in every medium from wood to copper to alabaster and stone. Beautiful colours and etchings, to think they survived 3500 years in such pristine condition is astounding.

We finished up and then La Chunk came to fetch us, since he had to drop his brother off at the airport in the afternoon. We visited Sandy Beach at the 12th Air Command and then made the voyage home.

King Tutankhamun, to say your name is to give you life.

Small payment for allowing us to view such gifts as yours. May you find peace in the afterlife.

Friday: Boat Trips And Homeward Bound (R)

We got up early to pack and vacate the hotel and then we drove over to see Billy so we could have brunch in Lauderdale-by-the-Sea at this fabulous little bistro that Billy knew of. It's always great when you go into a place and the hostess gives you a big hug! We sat watching the waves and eating. I had two Bloody Marys with brunch which was a spinach omelet with homefries. Very tasty, especially with the TABASCO green pepper sauce. Yummy! We walked along the beach after brunch and then I went shopping for trinkets to give to those loved ones back home. Billy had the great idea to turn in "La Abuela", the rental car that La Chunk picked out, this way we could have extra time to do things instead of sitting in the airport hours before our flight. We decided to go on a riverboat cruise which took us through the rivers, canals and intercoastal waterway that lines Florida. The pictures above better illustrate that adventure. The cruise host pointed out the various homes and who lives there. Very rich and wealthy. The private yachts were bigger than the cruise boat we were on. These people have some serious "size" issues. Can you say "overcompensation"? Sure you can. I knew you could. After cocktails on the boat, we made our way back to land and walked along the soon-to-be-torn-down waterfront area in old Ft. Lauderdale. Now we were hungry and Billy then took us to this tres gay restaurant called Rosie's Bar & Grill (formerly Hamburger Mary's). It was a hoot and a hollar! This is where I made Chunkie's whole trip. As we were sitting there, eyeing the very hot wait staff and enjoying our food, I was taking a sip of my mojhito when a funny thought occurred to me. Now, this was a very funny thought and I was sipping a liquid. Can you figure out what happened next? Yes, Mortimer, the personification of class and understatement, did a spit take all over Chunkie and Billy! I knew it was gonna happen, which made it worse because I clamped my mouth shut only to make it come out like a jet stream! I couldn't believe it, I soaked both of them! Chunkie roared with laughter, thank the gods, and I wiped them both off. We met a former bartender from Atlantic City, who was dubbed Michael Sissy Fag Fag when he worked here. Don't ask. It's funny to bump into so many transplants from my little island.

The sun was setting and we went to this gay sports bar for one (or two or three) last cocktail in South Florida. The sweet bartender bought me my third drink, how nice, and I got a token to keep as a remembrance. A drink token, not a hickey, get your minds out of the gutter! Billy drove us back to the airport and, after sailing through security, we got on the plane (Note: Due to continued threat of bodily harm, I am not allowed to discuss the seating style of Southwest Airlines nor am I allowed to complain that we got there so goddamn early to be in the "A" section for no reason whatsoever!) and we flew back to the real ice age of twenty degree (6C) weather and snow in New Jersey!

I am going back in May. I am using the time before this next trip to decide what to do with my life. I realized during my trip that I could really do something with my life down there, the opportunities are many and varied. There is so much for me to do and I know that there's really nothing left for me around here. I have no real ties to this area anymore, except for some wonderful and close friendships but, airfare is cheap and it's only two hours between New Jersey and Florida. So, I will be making my plans, soon.

What a wonderful vacation.

Thursday: The Coming Ice Age Is Upon Us. (R)

Or so you'd think. The temps dropped to the sixties (around 20C) and the people down there were literally walking around in parkas. And umbrellas, due to the torrential rain (which they needed). It was nuts!

We got up (me with a mighty hangover) and made our way down to Hollywood to do some shopping for what we refer to as "Chunk's Cheeps!". That goes back to La Slut's days at Walmart when he would ring us up when things went on major markdown. Whilst we were there, we decided to go to the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel & Casino to see our friend, the fabulous Susan Rennissen! Well, she wasn't answering her mobile nor her business phone, the bitch, so we decided to walk around, gamble a little and then get something to eat at the Hard Rock Cafe. Our waitron was fabulous, this cute girl who did open mike night late into the evening before so, I was loving her. Funny, cute and a party girl, just my type (well, if I could get over the whole homosexual thing)! As we were eating, La Whore sees this rockin' blonde chick in tight leather pants (D&G) walk in and make her way to a table at the far end where a birthday party was happening. By the looks of the people at the table, it was the tribe members that own the casino. We realized it was our Susan (fabulous!) but, I didn't want to barge over there, I mean, I don't like crashing parties without bringing something. I gave my business card to our waitron and had her give it to Susan, discreetly. Well, she came running over to our table and sat right down! I love her to pieces! We played catch-up and then, out of the blue, she referred to a message we had left and she got up and left us for a minute. When she returned, she gave us cards and told us the she arranged a day at the spa for us at the casino! HOW FABULOUS IS THAT? I took advantage of the gym and La Prostitute did the facial treatment. The gym overlooked the pool area so, while working out, I waslooking at palm trees and waterfalls. How fun! After a great workout (Susan came in and we chatted some more and I thanked her profusely), I met up with La Hooker and we went shopping some more. I found over a hundred dollars of items at the Gap for less than ten dollars. Does La Street-Walker know how to find a bargin or what!?!

We then went back to Ft. Lauderdale and our room to get ready for a bar-b-que dinner at Paul's home. The weather kind-of cooperated and we took a quick dip in the pool right outside our room. It was heated, which was a good thing. It was kind of chilly, I must admit, especially after getting out of the water and running back to our room to shower and get dressed.

What a dinner it was! Our friend, Billy, has a not-so-secret admirer at the meat market where he goes and he got the major hook-up on these delicious steaks. I mean, it was over a hundred dollars worth of steak for peanuts! Yum! Everything was so good, the green beans, the baked potatoes, the garlic bread but the best was the leanest, fattest, like-butter-in-your-mouth steaks. Kevin Covello, a good friend from the Atlantic City area who now lives in Florida, was also in attendance and we all bored poor Paul to death with tales-gone-by of A. C.'s heydays. Oh...I got to see manatees! Well, not in person but, they had a video of a manatee cow and calf that swam up to their dock (Paul lives off of one of the many canals) for some fresh water out of the hose. They really do look like mermaids.

We went out for a cocktail (or two or three or four, of course) back to Scandals Saloon where I got a T-shirt, and then off to their soon-to-be-new-location, Elements. After the day we had, La Trollop and I finally went back to our room and slept deeply. Friday was going to be a busy day so, we needed our rest.

Next up: Decisions, boat rides, shopping and homeward bound!

Wednesday: Swap Meet And Karaoke (R)

We got up early and I decided I needed sunglasses (I told you I forgot stuff). I mean, I am near the equator, I have to protect my eyes from that big fireball in the sky. Although the local news warned of clouds and chilly temperatures coming in over the afternoon, I still needed some protection. After breakfast at this cute little 50's style aluminum diner (where I got eggs Benedict, so good!), we met up with Billy and he took us to the Swap Meet, a huge flea market where you can get anything. And I mean ANYTHING. Yes, it's there. Believe me. We park and start to wander but, we stayed close together because the place is gigantic and you can get lost, fast. It's like being in an ancient bazaar in some far off land, the accents and smells were incredible. I was afraid Chunkie was going to sell me off into white slavery so I had to keep moving. I ended up finding a bitchin' pair of "Chopper" brand sunglasses with metal flames on the sides. Cool as hell! The attendant at the stall was too cute, too. We wandered around, I think Chunkie was missing the retail shops that his people are used to, if it's not merchandised tastefully and in a beautiful surrounding with help at your beck and call, he's out of his element. I took some more shots of some of the things that caught my eye and we left.

Billy took us to a particular Popeyes for lunch that makes exceptional food. He was right. For a chain restaurant, it was very tasty. After lunch, we went to our friend Larry's home. Now, Larry lives with Scott and they are partners but, Carl, who used to go out with Scott, still lives there as well. It's the new family dynamic to live with both your current and former partner. Works for them in practice, works for me in acceptance, no matter how odd I might find the situation. We had just met Scott and Carl the evening before at dinner and they were the most wonderful hosts. We were going there to swim but, the weather was not cooperating. For Chunkie and I, it was still warm if overcast but, forthe Floridians, it was like the latest ice age was upon us. Those people are mad, I tell ya. We sat and drank, I had my feet dangling in the pool, and they were telling us about their vacation they were leaving for in a few short hours. They were going to upstate New York for a "wine tasting on ice" event. They were freaking out because the temps up there were far below freezing and the wind chills were in negative numbers. We sat and chatted some more, getting a tour of their lovely home and tales of Hurricane Wilma. Before leaving, they told us that if we ever need to use the pool, just drop by, the gate is always unlocked! We finally left, Billy had to get ready for work and Chunkie and I needed dinner.

He blindsided me with a dinner companion. We went to Outback and I was the third wheel on a "date" of sorts. Someone La Whore...I mean...La Chunk met online. He was a very nice guy, once he picked up the check for dinner. 'Nuff said.

We went back to the hotel and got changed to go see Billy at Scandals and enjoy the country karaoke. You haven't lived until you are in a gay country music bar listening to drunken Miss Vicki sing bad Kander & Ebb tunes, badly. Seriously. I began demanding shots, which Billy was all to eager to provide (I taught him the "Makintosh Apple" shot). Several dozen later, on top of the copious amounts of Stoli and tonics, I was piss drunk and loving it.

We staggered back to our hotel, through the drizzle and I took one last shot of my blood-shot vodka-soaked eyes before passing out.

About the "communion wafer" blanket, the room had one bed and a sofa sleeper and I slept on the sofa bed. They didn't provide any bedding material so, La Slut...I mean...La Chunk went out and asked for the items. He returned with this felt blanket that, honestly, had the same consistency as a communion wafer.

I told you it was a blessed trip!

Coming up: Manatees really exist, home cooked steak dinner and life-changing thoughts.

Tuesday: Dinner For Seven (R)

La Chunk and I got up frightfully early and began the process of packing, which included a round of furious laundry on my part. He is very persnickity about getting to the airport ahead of time and his brother came to get us promptly at 10:30am and I was not ready. Of course, I got the "I told you when he was coming" speech but, I thought I had a little wiggle room. I didn't. So, I left without shorts or swim trunks and a few other necessities because I was so flustered. No biggie, I am not a shorts person, anyway and I figured I could get a cheap Walmart bathing suit down there if the opportunity came to swim (it did).

We got to Philadelphia International Airport, (which, now that I have been traveling around the country, seems to be a third world airport) and did curb-side baggage check. So nice! Then we went upstairs and sailed through security. I have it down to a science now, all of my metal objects and mini-electronics go in my little Eddie Bauer shoulder bag which I just toss through the scanners. I did have a minor problem with my shoes. It seems there was a residue of something suspicious on them, probably from the club since I have worn those shoes there. They did a quick swab and I was cleared. We then walked all the way to the last gate, why I am ALWAYS at the last bloody gate is beyond me.

And then, we waited. Note: Due to continued threat of bodily harm, I am not allowed to discuss the seating style of Southwest Airlines nor am I allowed to complain that we got there so goddamn early to be in the "A" section for no reason whatsoever!

We got on our flight, picked out seats, got comfy and we were off! We ended up getting to Ft. Lauderdale in great time, landing a fullhalf hour before we were scheduled. La Chunk informed me that they pad the schedules because of excessive air-traffic but, we must have gotten there at the right moment because we landed and were on our way to baggage. That was another blessing. By the time we made our way through the gorgeous Ft. Lauderdale/Hollywood Airport to the baggage claim, the bags were already coming out. We grabbed them and wandered over to the car rental area. Alamo was the first rental company at the top of the escalator and the next thing I know, we were tooling down I-95 at rush hour but, in another fabulous bit of luck, our exit was right before the traffic began to back up.

Then another blessing came our way. We booked the room through a mutual friend of ours from south Florida and she gave us the "friends and family" rate, which was $59 a night, quite nice for our suite. But, by the time the arrangements were done and we got the room, it was for the employee rate of $39 a night! Can you say "hook up!"? Sure you can! And the room was right next to the pool. I mean, when we opened the curtains, there was the pool. And they said there was no view!

We got our act together and made our way to see our dear friend Billy who, incidentally, used to live in the Penthouse and sleep in the room I now occupy. We marveled at the changes to his bungalow grounds, and the clean-up and regrowth of the whole area since Hurricane Wilma. We played catch-up, had a cocktail (or two) and then we did a little shopping. There were plans for all of us and Billy's beau, Paul, and a few of their other friends to go to dinner so, La Chunk and I made our way back to the room and got ready.

We ended up at this cute little Italian restaurant named Vincent's. They use existing buildings for new purposes down there and we had a fun time trying to determine what the building used to be since the bathrooms were around back. Chunkie thought it was an old drive-in restaurant but I think it was formerly a gas station. There were seven of us altogether and I was just amazed at the food. Absolutely delicious. I had the sweet Italian sausage over penne pasta in a marinara sauce and it was delightful. The sausage was spicy and sweet and melted in the mouth. The wines were top-notch and the Caesar salad dressing was tart and tasty. The pate was also incredible, over toasted sourbread slices. Yummy! Billy picked up the bill, I saw him excuse himself for the bathroom and grab the waiter and give him his credit card, the cheeky bastard! But, to our surprise, the entire meal, including the wine and appetizers, was only $150. For SEVEN people! Amazing! As a side note, I marveled at the patrons in the restaurant. I have not been in a room entirely full of gay men in a very, very long time. It was disconcerting, only because I am just not used to it anymore. I travel in very mixed company. Two of my closest friends are straight and most everyone I know now is not gay so, it was odd to hear the "gay accent" coming from everyone there.

We popped over to Scandals, the gay country bar that Billy works at, for an after dinner drink (or two or three) and then La Chunk and I had to call it a night. We didn't want to tempt the fates any further, they were more than generous to us all day and you know that the piper must be paid at some point. We got back to the room and slept deep and happy, there was more to do/see in the coming days and we needed to rest up!

Coming up: Swap meet, facials and Chunk's cheaps!

Update, Sort Of..

Mi nino malo (Little Jose, my bad little boy) is back home, and I am overjoyed. He's been in Colombia for almost a month and I miss him so. He went right back to school today so, it won't be until tonight before I can see him and give him a big ol' bear hug hullo! Then, I can't wait until next Tuesday because I'll be on a plane to the the sunshine state! Yes, La Chunk and I are going on vacation. A much needed vacation. Let me tell you, with all the madness going on at work, I need to get away. Far away! I have detailed it in the exclusive Cafe: Tailspin.

Other than that, the weather here on the island is as miserable as my mood! That always cheers me up, somehow.

I haven't written in here because I can't stand the formatting anymore. You hit "enter" to start a new paragraph and you go right to "publish post". It's maddening. I will try to write here more often to let my public readers know what the hell is going on in my pathetic life!

Survey Time! (R)

1. When you were a child what was your favorite television show? "The Waltons" my Mother even let us stay up to see the scenes for the next week's episode. Thanks Mom!
2. How many brothers and or sisters do you have? A sister, Danielle.
3. Did you get along well or fight a lot with them? We fought as kids, she was such a little bitch but now I love her, she's such a bitch!
4. Did your family sit at the table to eat meals? Yes, we did. And my bloody sister ruined a lot of Mister Softee (go to this site, it even has the music! OMG! I love it!) trips by not eating her peas!
5. Did you say grace (pray before you ate)? No. Thank God!
6. Do you still say grace? Uh...only if that's her name.
7. What is one thing you do to insure that you have a Happy New Year? Alcohol. And plenty of it.
8. How do you bring in the new year? See question number nine.
9. Are you working New Years Eve? I did. It sucked.
10. Do you shoot off fireworks? In bed. Wanna see?
11. What do you want to achieve this year? To bring the club back to it's glory years.
12. What motto will you live by in 2007? The one I have tried to live my entire life by, the Golden Rule.
13. Who will be the first person you kiss in 2007? It was Johanna.
14. Who do you wish that could be? Oh, my crush. Who shall remain nameless.
15. What is your favorite boy name? Trevor. (that answer was for my Mom, she knows why)
16. What is your favorite girl name? Isabelle, which was my Grandmother's name but, sadly, she hated it.
17. What is the weirdest name you have given to an animal? I had a goldfish named "Fido". He lived for a long time, too. He even fetched.
18. If you had to choose...what is your favorite bug? That would be the Praying Mantis. I mean, the female eats her mate, how cool is that!
19. Do mice ever get in your stove? Ask La Chunk!
20. Do you ever look in the mirror and say EW!!!? Practically on a daily basis. I think that's why I started to do drag. It was a way to make myself look like someone else and I could look in the mirror and say, "Fabulous!".
21. Do you ever play the lottery? Not anymore. I did when I worked at an arcade and we had a lottery machine.
22. What is the biggest amount you have won? Five bucks, as I recall.
23. Using your initials...describe yourself. "M"agnificent!
24. When you were little how many children did you want to have when you grew up? Two. I figured one of each, like vanilla and chocolate. You need each flavour. Yes, I would eat them.
25. Did you ever think about who you would marry? No. Not really. Because I can only "domestic partner" so, I never dreamt of getting married.
26. Did you have a crush on any famous person as a kid?Um...yes!
27. Who was it? Jaclyn Smith (from "Charlie's Angels "). Actually, I think I wanted to be her. LOL!
28.What song reminds you of your first love? "Finally" by CeCe Peniston which was Joe, my first true love.
29. Did you ever "get married" to one of your childhood friends? Actually, yes. With Sharon Hainsworth. I wonder whatever happened to my "wife"?
30. Who was the preacher? I've forgotten her name. I made out with Sharon, not the "preacher" so, I don't remember.
31. Did you plan out your wedding as a youngster? No. I planned out my "Domestic Partnership Ceremony" since that's all I am entitled to in this great non-discriminating, all-men-are-created-equal country of mine.
32. Was your real wedding like the one you dreamed about? Nope. Can't get "married" in the United States of America because of bigots and narrow-minded, right-wing, Bible-thumping (usually divorced and in the closet) nut jobs.
33. How many bridesmaids did you have? Who wrote this, a middle-school aged girl? I will have seventeen "domestic partner" maids. They will all wear the ugliest outfits I can find. So there!
34. What kind of flowers did you have? I will have wild daisies at my "Domestic Partnership Ceremony" since they are my favourite flower. I used to pick them in the field out back of my home in Bellmawr.
35. Are you shy or outgoing? Dahling, if you have to ask this one, you really don't know me! Acutally, I am very shy like most performers usually are.
36. What color are your nails right now? Sadly, I haven't worn black nail polish in a while. Hmm...now I have something to do today!
37. Do you sing in the shower? Yes. Loudly. For some reason, I always end up singing "Chances Are" by Johnny Mathis. Go figure.
38. What movie best describes your life? "Dangerous Liaisons". Just watch Glen Close in action, that's me. Totally!
39. Who is your best friend? That is Miss Patti. She gets it by default. She's been there the longest and still hasn't killed me off.
40. What year did you graduate? As if! Try again, neophyte.

God Bless America (R)

I sat watching the news yesterday and marveled at our country. The shifting of power, from one party to the next went so smoothly, so effortlessly. Our founders were truly touched by the hand of God.

I marveled at the swearing in of the first female Speaker of the House, third in line to the Presidency. What a glorious day in our country, what a glorious day for all the little girls and young women, to see the marble ceiling broken, and to know the sky's the limit! I hope to see a female President in my lifetime. I think I just might get that chance.

I marveled at the swearing in of two Bhuddists and a Muslim as members of congress. We are truly a nation that lives by the Constitutional freedom to practice whatever religion we choose. And that our private beliefs do not hinder us from our goals and ambitions.

I marveled at our democratic process and felt so proud that in November, I too was part of that process. That I, as an American, cast my vote and my voice was heard.

I am proud to be an American.

I am proud of America.

It's Official, I Am Unique!

HowManyOfMe.com

There are: 0 people with my name in the U.S.A. How many have your name?

Year In Review!

2006

1. DRINKING BUDDY OF THE YEAR
Everyone at Club Tru/Studio Six!

2. LIFETIME SERVICE AWARD - LONGEST FRIEND(s)?
Why Miss Patti, of course!

3. NEWCOMER AWARD - NEWEST FRIEND?
I'd have to say, Little Jose and became really great friends.

4. HIGH POINT OF THE YEAR?
Well, I guess becoming the asst. manager of the club.

5. LOW POINT OF THE YEAR?
Having to fire Dorian.

6. BEST HOLIDAY?
None. It was hell this year, becoming the asst. manager and having to work the holidays ON SALARY!

7. ANTHEM FOR 2006?
"Lose Control"-Missy Elliot

8. ANY REGRETS?
No, not really. Maybe becoming the asst. manager.

9. BEST NIGHT OUT?
Dahling, I walked into the club in 1980 and it's been one fabulous night out since!

10. WORST NIGHT OUT?
Having to fire Dorian.

11. WHO DID YOU SPEND VALENTINES WITH?
Mother Fist and her five daughters! Hey, you asked!

12. BEST RELATIONSHIP?
Miss Patti!

13. WORST RELATIONSHIP?
Dorian. We haven't spoken in so long. I miss him so.

14. FIRST GIG OF THE YEAR?
Who wrote this, a musician? First gig was in October, my return to the stage version of Mortimer's Cafe: '80's Rewind!

15. LAST GIG OF THE YEAR?
That would be my show, Mortimer's Cafe: Motown in November.

16. BEST DECISION MADE THIS YEAR?
Hmm...getting some people fired/making some people quit at the club without their knowledge.

17. WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS FOR NEXT YEAR?
That all depends on my meeting tomorrow.

18. MOST STUPID IDEA WHEN DRUNK?
I am a professional, not a drunk!

19. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE YEAR?
That all depends on what you mean, and from which point of view. For me, personally, it SUCKED. For me at the club, it was FAIR.

20. MOST LOYAL FRIEND?
Too many to count.

21. BIGGEST CHANGE OF THE YEAR?
Becoming the asst. manager of the club.

Travels and Travails Part III

Chapter III: Thanksgiving, Again?

Having survived Thanksgiving with the bio-family, I now faced the Alternate Thanksgiving with the club-family. I got up early, happy that this year I was able to have a few days off before the madness in order to get things done. My flatmates were quite accommodating, each attending to their respective messes several days before crunch time. I, of course, had nothing to worry about, except the general cleaning of our penthouse. After moving so many times over the decades, I have learned to pare my worldly goods down to the barest minimum and I simply discard items that I don't use/need/look at any longer. My day was spent fielding phone calls, coordinating the food arrivals and getting the flat clean and ready. I actually think I just throw this event to get the place "spring" cleaned, albeit in the middle of autumn. Miss Patti came with Tom turkey and cleaned and dressed the bird and threw him in the oven. She found the pop-up timers in a dollar store and put the fowl in a cooking bag, which made the meat so damn juicy. It cuts down on the cooking time as well. She left to get her new skinny ass ready and the three of us finished up. I actually was already showered this year before the first guests arrived, who were Morgan Wells and Lemon Fresh Joy, as usual. Mostly because Morgan takes care of the nibbly-bits and Joy is there for the cocktails. Wait, let me be honest, Morgan is there for the cocktails as well. We got set up and shortly thereafter, people began to arrive. I did the running up and down the steps, helping with the food trays but, I refused to play bartender this year. Most everyone at the party are bartenders, they could get their own cocktails.

The party was a success. I sat, watching the interactions of all of us. Johanna had the dining room in stitches, describing the birth of her son nine years earlier and we were going on about how I am going to be in the delivery room with her when she gives birth to the one cooking in her oven. I had to note the diversity of this "family". Spanish, Philippine, Polish, African-American, Caucasian, Arab, gay, straight, single, married, pre-op. It was a true melting pot of individuals, all here, together in my home, celebrating the true spirit of the holiday. It's amazing that none of the divisions that separate the rest of the world have ever come between us. I made a toast, thanking everyone for coming and sharing this meal together.

Then I went into my room and cried, silently and quickly. Tears of joy, to be sure. I love these people so much. We have been together for so long. Even the newest members of our little "club family" are not so new, anymore. I wiped my eyes and rejoined the party. We watched the videos, had dessert and then, sadly, the inevitable winding down of the festivities began. Slowly, surely, everyone left. La Chunk and Mommie Dearest had gone to bed and I cleaned up, under the supervision of Morgan and Joy. The bitches. First to arrive, last to leave!

I wouldn't have it any other way.

Tough Questions

1. What is more difficult for you, looking into someone's eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someone's eyes when they are telling you how they feel?

Looking into their eyes when they are telling me what they feel. I sometimes think that I would rather be lied to therefore, if I look into their eyes, I will know the truth. The truth can hurt. Badly.
I have been hurt. Badly.

2. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. WHY were you angry?

Honestly, when Little Jose betrayed me at work awhile ago (which I wrote about in a past entry). It was over something stupid, I admit but, the underlying currents that it represented and affected will always resonate with me. I have forgiven him. I understand why he did it but, it still hurt. He'll never know just how much. And I don't want him to.

3. You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You have enough time to make ONE phone call. Who would you call?

I would call Miss Patti. She has always been my soul mate and I would want her to know just how pissed off I am that I am about to die so...unfabulously! And, I would trust her to convey my wishes of love and farewell to all who know/knew me.

4. You are at the doctor's office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. (1) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? (2) What do you do with your remaining days? (3) Would you be afraid?

1) I wouldn't tell a soul.
2) I would put things in order, quietly. I would write long, heartfelt letters to my closest friends for them to have after I am gone. I would spit in the face of everyone I have ever wanted to. I would continue to enjoy the blessed life that I have until the last dying day.
3) I would be angry. Very, horribly angry. We are all given the same thing. One chance at life. And now my chance would be over.

5. You can have one of the following two things: trust/love. Which do you choose?

Trust. I have had love. Trust is better. Way better.

6. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late even once more, you are fired. Do you save the dog?

I want to say I would save the dog but, I really don't know. It's not that I would be afraid of losing my job, I have been fired before so that's not the reason. It would depend on my mood that day, what I am wearing, what time of day it is, and...well...it's only a dog. Pets are like Kleenex, there's always one in the box waiting when you need them. That sounds cold but, unless I can get a good story out of it, I probably wouldn't save the dumb dog.

7. You are unfaithful to your spouse/significant other. Do you tell him/her? Why or Why not?

That depends. If I was just horny and I cheated because I was satisfying a need and I don't want to see that person again, then probably not. If I was cheating and began to develop feelings for the "other" person, then yes, it's best keep things honest and let my significant other know.

8. Your best friend confesses that he/she has feelings for you more then just friendship. He/she is falling in love with you. What do you do/say?

This has happened to me a few times and it's always best to be direct and TO THE POINT. If you are nice about it, you are setting them up into thinking they may have a chance with you and that makes your relationship with them into something neither of you want. I have also been on the other end and believe me, it's no picnic fawning over someone for a long time when nothing will EVER happen.

9. Think of the last person who you know that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give one year of your life. Do you do it?

No. Gregory wouldn't want me to give give up a year of my life so he could suffer another hour with the pain and misery of the effects of full blown A. I. D. S.

10. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?

I said this to Little Jose just the other day. I told him that I don't deserve someone as nice as him to be my friend. That I would NEVER want to be my friend. I think I am horrible. In so many ways. I really don't know why people put up with me. I don't think the trade off is worth it. I am not saying this to get people to tell me how fabulous I am, believe me, I have many, many, many faults and they far outnumber any positives you can say about me.

11. Does love = sex?

The best sex I have ever had was with my love. Love does not equal sex, though. Not by a long shot.

12. Your boss tells your co-worker that they have to let them go because of work shortage, and they are the newest employee. You have been there much longer. Your co-worker has a family to support and no other means of income. Do you go to your boss and offer to leave the company?

I have recently sacrificed myself by accepting a promotion that was in name only, just to help my co-workers. Believe me, I lost so dearly with that decision. So, draw your own conclusions.

13. When was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt regardless of how difficult it was for you to say? What did you have to tell the person?

I do it all the time. No, I am not running around being hateful but, if you ask me for the truth, I will give it to you. Both barrels. So, be warned. I recently had to tell my friend to shut the fuck up, I was tired of hearing the complaints, either change your life or live it and to stop bitching to me about it because I can't take it anymore. It didn't go over too well.

14. What would be (or what was) harder for you to tell a friend, you love them or that you do not love them back?

I tell my friends I love them all the time. They know when I don't love them and I never have to say it. Believe me, they know. Oh...Believe me!

15. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up? Why would it be hard to lose?

My eyesight. Umm...Being blind.

16. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them? Who were they to you?

I told Chunkie that I love him. He's one of my closest friends.

18. Imagine. It is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. WHO do you wish was there with you?

Two people, actually. Smith & Wesson. O. K. How about Office Joe Falcone. He's my cop friend and believe me, a good man to have by your side in just such a situation. Hell, even if there wasn't a "situation"! He's hot!

19. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying? why wouldn't you?

No. No reason. Just no.

21. You are holding onto your grandmothers hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know as they hang over the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save the other. Who do you let fall to their death?

I guess the baby. My grandmother (neither of them are still alive) would have lived a long life and the baby would just be starting. Then again, imagine the gifts you would get for Christmas for saving the old girl's life.

22. Are you old fashioned?

In a lot of ways. I am very timely, I enjoy technology and current fashions and trends but, I like hand written letters, saying "please" and "thank you" and "have a nice day". I like politeness and courtesy in both speech and action.

23. When was the last time you were nice to someone and did NOT expect anything in return for it?

I don't do things in order to get something. I do them because they should be done.

24. Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a broken heart, or never loved at all? Why?

It is better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all. It's true and I am glad that I have loved.

25. If you could do anything or wish anything, what would it be?

What I always say, find the cure for aging. Take the cure for aging.